Chapters of My Life: Keep Moving

February 27, 2020

            I thought this day would never come. I thought my prayers were going into spam, that maybe; finally, He had given up on me- once and for all. Yet, here I am ten months later- living proof that He is faithful, no matter what I may do. I am amazed and awed that He never did give up on me. I gave up on me- many times. He heard me; He saw me and He answered me.

            I struggled, I cried, I beat the air and screamed at Him many times. He took every word, every doubt, and every fear and stored them up for this day. I sit in awesome wonder at the glory of His grace.

            I am a sinner. I wandered away. I chose to go the way I felt was right; even though I knew better. Even though I knew His Word and His ways, there were many days I chose to ignore Him. Now today, I sit at the one place that I find my peace, and He reminds me of all my blessings; and how it all came to pass because of His grace.

         If you would have asked me three months ago where I was in my relationship with Him; I don’t think I could have given you a very truthful answer. I was not in a good place. On the outside, and from what I spoke to those who asked- I was great. He was great. All was great. But on the inside, I had lost my hope. I had lost my faith. I was broken down; beaten down and more discouraged than I have ever been in my Christian life. But, as stories go; there is always another chapter to be written, another page to be turned and another lesson to be learned.

            My life these days is far from perfect. I struggle still every single day. But I have seen His grace, His mercy and because I did not give up; He has restored my hope and shown me the power of His forgiving love. I wonder sometimes at how my life got to this point. I ask myself if I had done things differently, if I had chosen a different path- where would I be today? One thing I am learning, and one thing He has taught me- I cannot change my past, nor can I go back and take a different path. I have to move forward, I have to keep going.

            A river doesn’t stop flowing, nor does it travel backwards. It continues to make it’s way no matter the obstacles, dams or rocky terrain it meets along the way. I have to have faith. I have to be strong, no matter the challenges my story may come upon. This is my walk, my walk of faith. I have stumbled. I have fallen, and I have sinned much along the way. But even as I laid down in despair, He never left me, He was always right there.

            This is my story- this is my song; I will continue to praise my Savior, all the day long!

            It’s been a while since I have written, and I am not sure I will remember how! But here it goes, and I pray you are blessed and encouraged by any nuggets you find along the way.

            These past ten months went by so fast. I started a new career; back into the hospitality industry and back into management/ leadership. I had been praying for months for the Lord to help me, to speak to me, to do something with this wretched life of mine. I felt so lost and hopeless, just floating along not knowing where I was going or where I was going to end up. I kept praying that He would do something in my life and stop taking so long! But like I stated earlier; I felt like my prayers were being unheard.

            I decided to take a leap of faith and put myself back out there- back out into the world I once knew of management and maybe I could finally have a career. I knew what I wanted, and I knew that sitting around thinking and dreaming about it was going to get me nowhere. So, I did it. I put myself back out there and landed one of the best jobs I have ever had. I love every single minute of it. It’s like I am finally doing what I was meant to do.

            I loved living with my roommates/ friends/ sisters;  but I knew I needed my own space and my own place. Based on my current job that wasn’t going to happen, so I did it- I stepped out and took a leap of faith. I knew I needed to do something because I was starting to feel hemmed in. I was starting to become restless and thought that perhaps that was the Lord telling me to leave the comfort and strive for that dream I kept asking Him to fulfill.

            I kept thinking about what Paul wrote in 2 Corinthians 5:7 “for we walk by faith and not by sight”. What I saw was hopeless despair, but faith changed my perspective and I took a leap- landing firmly on the ground the Lord God had prepared for me. My fear kept me standing in a place of comfort, but all the while the Lord was answering my prayers and telling me to take a leap- walk by faith. But my despair and hopelessness for my current situation in life kept me where I was, and I made excuses for not moving and acting sooner. It really was my own fault that I was where I was.

            I have a career now; not just a job- but a career. You see, many years ago I started to think that having a career was the right choice for me. I always saw myself as a businesswoman (I seem to have a head for business, and a talent for leading others). Through the years I did work, managed, owned my own business and did what I could. But I had a family, children, and many other responsibilities that kept me from pursuing a full-fledged career. I do not regret for one minute the choices I made to raise my kids and take care of my family. But now that my children are grown, have lives of their own and I am free to live my life as the Lord leads- I have chosen to pursue this dream.

            I used to feel guilty for thinking that I could have a life of my own. What would my children do without me? What if a career took me away from them? I wanted to have a life that was fulfilling, yet I was stuck in this endless cycle of worrying about what my kids might think. All I was doing was making excuses to stay in a comfortable place and not walk by faith. I was stuck in what I saw, and not willing to walk out into a life of faith. I kept myself in a pit of despair because I was too afraid I might fail.

            I blamed God for my choices and blamed everyone else for my mistakes. But in the end, I have learned that every decision I make is mine alone and I alone am accountable to God for them. Every decision, every choice I make leads to the path I have chosen to take. In the end, I was where I was because I had chosen to be there. I have learned (the hard way) that no one is responsible for my life but myself. I can justify myself all I want, but in the end, there is only One who Justifies, and I am not Him. (Amen!)

            I can say, with all sincerity that my life has not turned out the way I thought it would; and praise God for it! Had my life ended up the way I had planned I would not be the woman I am. I have no regrets, believe it or not. I have sorrow and remorse for turning away from Him, but regrets are just excuses we use to keep us in the same patterns of our past. I would not be where I am today- happy, full of joy and grateful for the blessings He has bestowed upon me- had I not taken that simple leap of faith.

February 29, 2020 (Part Two)

            I face challenges everyday. My chosen path has brought me many of them; but I am happier today than I have ever been. I am doing what I love. I am building a life, a life I have always wanted. Yes, there are challenges; but they are worth it. They are worth it because I am doing it. I am learning. I am growing. I am becoming the best version of myself. That is really all He asks of us. To be our best for Him today.

            One of my favorite passages is Philippians 3:12-14. It is my go-to passage when I start to ponder on my life. It brings me hope and fills me up with strength to keep pressing through, to keep pressing onward.

Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own.  Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 3:12-14 ESV

            Paul the Apostle writes that he is not perfect. He admits that he is weak and that he has a long way to go; but he doesn’t give up. He keeps pressing toward to mark; the goal of obtaining the most precious prize of all- Jesus Christ our Lord. Paul faced many more struggles and challenges then I ever will; but he did not give up. The one thing he said he did was strive- strive to give God his very best every day. And every day he got up and did it all over again.

            He didn’t think about his failures from the day before; he forgot the past and kept his eyes forward. Like the river that doesn’t travel backwards, only forwards; neither did Paul. He kept pushing, striving and fighting every day to give his best to the One who had saved his soul. Paul knew it would all be worth it one day. He knew one day he would obtain the greatest treasure in all heaven and in all the earth- eternal life with Jesus Christ his Lord.

Eno River State Park Durham NC 

            As I sit and ponder on these past ten months; I can’t help but give humble praise for His patience with me, His constant provision and His perfect timing. His ways are higher. His ways are perfect. No matter where I am at, no matter how much hope I think is gone, I can’t, and I won’t give up. Take it from someone who thought this day would never come- but it did, and it has- and the good news is, there are more days like this to come.

            I wanted to walk away, to give up, to crawl into a hole and be covered up in the self-pity of my sinfulness. But He never gave up on me. He never let me go. He stayed right beside me. He kept my feet upon the path, even though I tried to run away. He kept me going, He kept me here- and He restored my hope!

            I thought I knew what was best for me. I thought I knew what to do. But in the end, He had a plan; and He has a purpose for every single day of my life. Yes, even the challenges are from Him and for Him and because of Him. These past ten months have been some of the hardest I have faced; because during these past ten months I have had to come face to face with my own self; my own reflection. He took me through some pretty rough terrain, and made me hike some pretty steep mountains, but it was all worth it. It was worth every tear, every frustration, every disappointed hope and every single fear. It was worth it then and I am confident that no matter the mountains I have yet to face, those too will be worth every steep step, every hard climb, every drop of blood, sweat and tears they will bring. Never give up my friend.

            Like the river that forges ahead no matter what dams, rocks or storms it faces, keep moving, keep pushing, keep making your way. It will be worth it. You will be able to stand and say- I am where I am because He made a way. Have faith my friend; do not give up. Keep moving forward, don’t look back. Let Him work in you and through you His perfect plan.

            Give Him your best today and forget about the past. It is gone, washed ashore upon the mercy of His sacrificial grace. Be strong. Have confidence. He is always with you. Every single step of the way. In Jesus Name I pray you will find your strength to keep moving forward no matter how hard or how hopeless it may seem. Keep pressing toward the mark; keep striving for your dream, because our God is the giver of all blessed things. Amen? The Lord be with you, always and forever.