Chapters of My Life: She Believed She Could

5/26/20

             I do a lot of introspection. I take time to look within myself and analyze my feelings, thoughts, actions, reactions- I take time to look at my true self and why I choose the things I do. Some call it over thinking- but I believe it is needful. Even Paul wrote that it was important to look within ourselves (2 Corinthians 13:5). What is the purpose of self- examination a.k.a, introspection? To be better. To face down the obstacles of your own making. To stand up to yourself and take action to change.

            One of my favorite sayings of late is, “She believed she could, so she did.” It reminds me of Luke 1:45 “Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill His promises to her.” And He did. Above and beyond all that I could have ever hoped for!

            3 years ago, I started a journey. I had no idea where it would lead or where it would take me. Nothing prepared me for the challenges, trials and reaping of my own sins that I would have to experience along the way. But something I have learned (a little nugget for you to take on your journey)- there are no regrets in life, only lessons. I have been stupid and found myself face down in the filth of my own sin. I have been a success. I have fallen and I have gotten back up. But one thing I did, I learned. I got back up again, and I set a boundary. I set a goal. I set my eyes on the prize that was before me, and I pushed through. I was and am determined to reach the promise that He has promised me.

            If you would have told me 10 years ago that I would be sitting here, writing these words, living the life of freedom I have longed for- I would have either laughed at you, smacked you, or both. 10 years ago, I did not think I could ever be free. Free to be the me I always wanted to be. All I saw was a man’s opinion of me. A daily reminder of how unworthy I was, and any hope of ever being free was slowly dying for me. Yet, here I am living the life I believed My God would give me. He has fulfilled His promises to me.

            My God has never, not, answered my prayers. It is true. Not even one has ever gone without an answer. It may not have been the answer I wanted, but they were answered. Even in the “No’s” He blesses me, above and beyond all that I could ever ask or think. What amazes me and encourages me even more to keep going is when He answers the secret prayers. The ones that only He would know. The ones that are prayed in my heart, and in my soul. He knows them. He hears them and He answers them too. Every. Single. One. How mighty and great is that?!

            This journey has taken me down some pretty steep paths; made me cross raging rivers that almost swept me away; climb mountains I never thought I would get over; and currently, making me walk through a very lonely desert. Yet, though I walk through this valley of death- He is always with me. I have no regrets, only nuggets of wisdom, nuggets of gold given to me by a God who walks with me every step of the way. I am not there yet, but I am not going to give up. I started this journey by faith, and by His grace, I will finish it by faith.

05/28/20

            For 23 years I listened to a voice from the other room telling me how unworthy I truly was. In his eyes I was never going to be good enough. No matter how hard I tried, no matter how much I tried to please him; no matter how hard I tried to be everything he said he wanted- I was never going to be enough. For 23 years I had a daily reminder of the woman I was not. The woman I could never be. But, 3 years ago I decided to walk away from that. I decided to believe my God who said I was worthy because His Son was worthy. I decided to have the life my God said I was created for. I walked away from it all.

            No one knows my faults better then me. I analyze them all the time. I do not want to be the wrong woman anymore. I want to please the God who called me out to be His. I want the promises He has promised me. Yet, there are days when I find myself back in that world of unworthiness. I still hear his voice in my head, reminding me that I will never be good enough. I will never be enough. But I refuse to let that mindset stop me anymore. I have set that boundary and I will not go back there again. I am not worthy. But He is, and He lives in me. In my flesh I am unworthy, but in my spirit, I am the daughter of the King. In one man’s eyes I may not have been enough. But in my God’s eyes, I am enough. I am worthy. I am His. That is the only opinion that matters to me.

            I am still healing. I am still working through the oppression and the depression that those years have left upon me. Those experiences tried to kill my soul and dampen my spirit. It tried to take the strength from me. But there is a way to turn all that oppression around and allow good to come out of it.

“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28 ESV

            I can say with confidence, that all those days, all those years of hurt, pain and hopelessness were worth it. They were worth every single tear because they led me here- where it is all working out for good. I have a long way to go, but my strength is renewed with every answered prayer and every promise fulfilled.  And the most freeing thing of all is I no longer have to listen to his voice ever again. I can focus on the strength within me. I can be confident in who I am because I am her. I am the woman my God has intended me to be, and I am becoming the woman He has prepared me to be. I am finally becoming the woman of my dreams.

            A social media post that I snagged and made my phone wallpaper says, “Decide what kind of life you want, then….say no to anything that isn’t that.” I decided what kind of life I wanted 3 years ago. It took me 23 years to figure it out and fight my way to it- but I did it. I decided and I said no. No more. If I could give you one nugget to treasure it would be this- Do not wait. Do. Decide who your dream you is and chase after her like today is all you have. Fight for her. Do not listen to that voice anymore. Yes, it is scary. Yes, there is a huge unknown before you. But that is what faith is for. Faith is staring into the unknown and having confidence in the One who already knows what is to come. 

            Faith takes the promises He has given you and holds them up as a light to shine the way through the great unknown we call life. Do not wait. Decide today. You have every right to live your life freely before your God. No matter what anyone says or thinks. You alone will stand before Him. You alone will answer for your own faith before Him. 

            There is a scripture passage in Mark 8:24 where Jesus is in Bethsaida and heals a blind man. Jesus spits on the guy’s yes and touches him. He asks him what he sees. He says, “I see men like trees, walking.” Then Jesus touches his eyes again and it says he can see everyone clearly. We are men, walking around like trees. We are all unique and different, yet similar in our natures. For instance, two oak trees look similar and both drop acorns; yet, each one has unique bark, limbs, leaves, even the very core of each tree is different. How it experienced the various seasons of its life is different, as you see in the individual rings of each tree.

            We are all full of hopes, dreams, fears, and failures. But we are who we are. Never let anyone tell you who you should be. The only One who has the right to tell you who you were created to be is the One who created you. His opinion of you is the only that matters. He says you are worthy. He says you are wise. He says you are His and you were created for His glory. Man may tell you otherwise. You may be dealing with that oppression of unworthiness, but you can be free. Decide the life you want. Hold onto His promises and take a step of faith. Find His strength in you and walk into the life you want and walk away from everything that isn’t it. May His Grace be with you as you do. Amen?