Chapters of My Life: The Woman I Want to Be

     I really don't like the person I have become. That is what is bothering me the most. I hate this sin inside me. I mean, I really hate it and I want it to die. That is what it means to be born again, by the way. That is what it means to die to self, to take up your cross and follow Him. I want nothing else than to be rid of this deceitful, needy and filthy flesh. If you still like your sins, you need to find out if you are born again. (Just my opinion- no need for debate)
     The problem is; I can't seem to find the will to do what I know He is showing me to do. I can't seem to find the strength within myself to bring myself to the point of death. No matter how hard I say I try, the truth is, I don't. I get frustrated. I get upset. I get worried. I get frantic when life doesn't work out the way I planned. I get upset with God for my choices and my sins and begin to doubt who He says He is.
     My mind is in a constant battle. A war that rarely gives me rest. Night and day my mind battles between faith and flesh. But one thing is for certain; I have no one to blame but myself. I made the  decisions. I made the choices. I sinned. I failed. I became this person of the flesh. So I pray to God, the Father above, to use this pen for His glory and show me how I am ever going to win?
     I thought I had come to the end of myself. But apparently I haven't come farther than a baby's first step! Oh, how wonderful is the truth that we have been given the opportunity to learn from Him. (We have been given the oracles of God. A treasure it is to have His Word!)

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"For though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you again the basic principles of the oracles of God. You need milk, not solid food," Hebrews 5:12 ESV

     Yet, no matter how glorious the thought is- of living a life fully surrendered to Him- this flesh of mine keeps me walking the path of the woman I don't want to be. I am tired of this woman, and I want to be free. I want out of this pit and my Father isn't pulling me up as fast as I think He should. I am grumbling and I hate that about me.
     "Patience," He tells me. "Wait on Me. Listen to Me, no matter how hard the battle gets, I want you to obey Me.All your desires will be fulfilled in Me. Obey Me." This is what I hear in the depths of my soul; the voice of my Shepherd calling me home. His word resonates through my understanding and I know He is right. I must stop putting my strength into all that is happening and wait for His timing. I am battling Him through my flesh. I need to stop, I need to give up. I need to surrender my fleshly desires to Him.
      There are so many things that need to happen; puzzle pieces that need to be put into place before He can safely pull me up. I have to trust His timing. It is true- whatever His will, it will be. I can stop fighting now. I can stop putting effort into things that don't matter, trying to find a quicker way up. Or I can trust and obey, no matter how hard this fight gets. This battle is a battle of my  flesh (what is seen- temporal) and the Spirit living inside me (what is not seen- eternal). If I worry, if I sin, if I disobey, then the flesh has overcome and He has to draw more battle lines and fight for me, all over again.
     You see, the references throughout the Bible to war; military, battles and such are not only history, but they are there as lessons to help us get through the war we are in. There are enemies of God (human and spiritual) that are waging war against Him in every moment of every time and space. We see through a glass darkly; but He sees face to face. (1 Corinthians 13:12) Everything is naked and open to the eye of Him to whom we must give and account. (Hebrews 4:13) Naked meaning- without limitations; without any covering.
      What He is trying to teach me is that whatever happens, has happened for a reason. Every battle won brings success and treasures to keep. Every war throughout history has had soldiers take booty, plunder, spoils and whatever else the victor likes. But what I fail to see is that the times victory came for God's chosen warriors, were the times they put their trust in Him and walked in obedient faith.
      Each one was tried in their faith differently. But when battles needed won, they humbled themselves and walked in obedient faith. They did not count the cost, because like Paul, they knew that all those fleshly desires and efforts meant nothing but dog poop to be tossed out in the trash. When God brings us all to the trying of our faith, we have two choices to make. We can either walk in obedience or not. There is no in between. Jesus always taught us we had a choice. Notice He mentions quite frequently (throughout His Whole Word) that, "IF we keep/obey His commandments" then we will be blessed with victory, rewards and will enter into our eternal destiny. IF meaning we have a choice.
     If I lay down; no matter how badly my flesh desires something, no matter how my flesh craves it, or tries to overcome my will to obey Him, if I lay my flesh down and pick up/put on what I believe He is showing me, then I will get out of the pit and my prayers to Him will be answered. IF I keep His commandments.
     His commandments are His precepts, His statutes; His law, His Whole Word from the first letter in Genesis to the last word in Revelation. If we keep His commandments- as individuals, personal and intimate followers of Jesus Christ, then we will not walk in judgement of one another. His commandments are His personal communication with you. That is why we must go to Him continually, because we do not "live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God." (Luke 4:4)
      We all have different journeys; different ways that the Lord will try and refine our faith- all we can do is share what we are learning with other travelers along the way. Live your life of faith, and I will live mine. If our journey's never pass on this earth, may they join together in heaven. Amen?
      Back to my point (sorry, I digressed). I am learning that if something is meant to be for me, then God will bring it to me. If something I want is not meant for me, then God will make sure it never reaches me. If He wants you to have it, He will give it to you- just like any good Father would. But He isn't withholding it from me because I have sinned; (even though I did) He is withholding it for my good. (Thinking God is withholding something from you because you have sinned is condemnation and not of Him. Romans 8:1)
 
    He is either holding it back, or not allowing it to happen, because it might harm me, cause me to fall and sin. Or perhaps, I am not mature enough in my faith yet to handle the responsibility and consequences of what I am praying for. Or perhaps, it is a desire of the flesh and He knows how far back that sin could set me, and how much damage it could do. The point is- we don't know why it hasn't happened yet, or why it hasn't turned out the way we thought it would. This is why we get frustrated when life doesn't go as we thought it should. We get worried and full of anxiety when we have hoped and hoped for an outcome, only to be disappointed again. We do not know the why, we just have to trust He does and it didn't happen yet, or turn out the way we thought it would, because He loves us, and knows what is best for us. We have to learn to be patient with Him.

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     So what- I don't have a whole lot to my name, but who cares? I am really enjoying the minimalist/ non-materialistic life I am currently living.  I have a car that is purely surviving by His grace. I have a bedroom, bathroom and shared living space with one of the few women I admire most in this world. I have a job that barely gets me through, and not really a very challenging job either. But it gives me a lot of downtime to read, pray, and write (when I put down my flesh and choose to!). Yeah, the things I really hope come to pass, His promises to me, may not be happening as fast I would like, but there are so many little blessings being gathered up that it makes the waiting a little more tolerable than before. And truth be told, I haven't been the most patient and obedient child either.
      In the end, it is up to me. I can rest in His truth and let whatever will be- be. Or I can keep trying to do this my way and stay the woman I hate most of all; the woman I don't want to be. I ain't got no one to blame but me. If I keep saying it, and don't start walking it, then that's on me. One way or another I got to pick up my sword, kneel and accept my destiny. The choice is mine. Guess it's time I decide which woman I want to be. This time, I hope the old me finally gets nailed to that tree, and I can walk free into the arms of my Savior who is waiting for me.

    All my desires are found in Him- I just need to let go and live.- Amen?