Wanderings of a Woman's Mind- Do Over

        What if you could do your life over? What if you could hit the reset button? Not in a way that erases your past, but a reset that allows you to become the human God intended you to be? 
I have been thinking a lot about myself since I left North Carolina. For instance, why do I react like this? Or why did I find myself telling a lie and making up an excuse instead of just admitting I made a mistake? You could say I have been doing a lot of self-examination. Self-examination is hard and painful, but it is the only way to find the human being He has created me to be. 
When I say “self-examination” I am not talking about “finding myself” or seeking out how to love myself more; I am talking about biblical self-examination. It is something we as Christians should be doing daily. 

“Let a person examine himself, then, and so eat of the bread and drink of the cup.” 

1 Corinthians 11:28 ESV 

The word “examine” is used in the 3rd person, present imperative tense. Which means it is active; ongoing, continual. Examine actually means to test, to approve. Everyday I open my heart before God and ask Him to show me-me. David cried out and asked God to “Search him, and know his ways” (Psalm 139). I pray like David, Search me and know my ways, my thoughts, my deeds, see if there is any wicked way in me and lead me to life everlasting. (I am paraphrasing)  I want Him to examine me. No one knows me better than Him, and He alone can reveal to me the areas of my life that are in desperate need of a do-over. 
Granted, let’s not take this verse out of context. Paul is writing about the Lord’s Supper; holy communion; and before we partake of this covenant that Jesus left for us, we need to examine ourselves and confess any unrighteousness we have within. Most Christians know this, because at least once a month, these scriptures are read before communion in every church across the country. My question is though- how many of us actually take self-examination seriously? 
Earlier Paul writes to the Corinthians and reminds them that they are the temple of God,and His Holy Spirit lives within us. 

“Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own,for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.” 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

To me this means that I am in constant communion with God. God lives in me, He sees, knows, hears and experiences everything that I do. Therefore, self-examination should be an active, ongoing part of our relationship with Christ. Which leads me to the point of this post; you can get a do-over. You can reset your life and become the human God has destined you to be. How? How do we get a do-over? 

“assuming that you have heard about him and were taught in him, as the truth is in Jesus, to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.” Ephesians 4:20-24

Self-examination reveals the old man’s habits that I have still living in me. The Lord reveals these habits, characteristics, and sinful behaviors to me as I seek Him. He then shows me how to overcome this old man, and through His Word, He begins to put on the new man.(The one who gets a do-over gets a new self too!) As I examine, confess and seek; He begins to renew my mind, showing me how to have right thoughts. He also takes the broken parts of my heart and shows me how to lean on Him as He heals and works all things out for my good. (Romans 8:28) I become less and less of the old man, and more and more of the Christ-like human God is molding me to be. 
The last time I lived in Iowa, I was a scared, naive, little girl. I was also an unbeliever. My life and the person I was- well, let’s just say I am not really proud of that girl. I am glad the Lord is allowing me to take her off and put on a new me! She was not a nice person. She was selfish, self-centered, she lied, manipulated and took advantage of people. But God, in His great and glorious mercy looked at my filthy rags and decided I was worth the effort to clean up. Jesus came into my life, began to unravel the filthiness of my life through His Word and began to replace these filthy rags with His grace. (Unfortunately, I have a tendency to run back to the mud to wallow around and get dirty again. But He is always faithful to clean me back up when I come home. Friend, you can come home, you have not wandered into the mud and mire so far that He can’t clean you up again.) 

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I am not in Iowa to try and relive a dead past; or make restitution for the lives I may have hurt while I was here. I am in Iowa to tear away all the falsehood, all the lies, all the shame, all the masks, all the pain and all the hurt. I am in Iowa to let God examine me, and show me the human He has destined me to be. I am not sure who she is going to be yet, but I pray everyday for God to give me direction and to show me who I truly am in Him. Trust me when I say that this self-examination He has me in right now hurts- but I am changing; and I am gaining more confidence in Him everyday. 
I have been many things in my life. I am a mom, sister, daughter, friend. I have been a wife, lover, sinner and saint. But one thing I have never figured out is who I am in the midst of all these roles. That’s the problem, isn’t it? We let what we do define us, instead of allowing God to mold us. One thing He has shown me is that I no longer have to be anybody for anyone anymore. I can truly be who I was meant to be in Christ. I am not completely sure why God saw fit to plop me in Iowa in the middle of a Polar Vortex (I hate cold weather!! Anything under 40 degrees is way to cold for me!) but, as He so lovingly reminded me- I may not like where I am at right now, but it’s where I need to be. All I can do is what I believe He shows me each day; that is all any of us can do.  

“The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.”
Lamentations 3:22-23

           Every day is a new opportunity to seek out who we are in Him, who He has destined us to be. Everyday the sun rises and God the Father looks down on us, His children and says, “Here is your do-over. Glorify Me.” 
I may be totally off the mark and walking the wrong path. (Trust me, it wouldn’t be the first time!) Or maybe, just maybe, this is the one do-over that will open wide the gates of grace and I will find my soul’s purpose, my place in Him. Either way, in the end, all that really matters is that I did it all for Him. Amen?