Where do I start? I have been trying to write for days; weeks, but there has been a lot of things going on in my life lately and to be honest, I haven't had anything to say. Well, not anything I am willing to post. The truth is, my life has not turned out the way I thought it would. I thought by now things would have turned around and gotten better. I thought by now I would have some sort of hope for the promises I believed for. But here I am, still wading through the lessons, the hurt and the pain of my life.
I am working a job I don't really like, but it's good money and close to home. I get lonely and think I will try to date again, but then quickly realize I am nowhere ready nor am I interested in being anything but single. I have children and grandchildren, and I love them dearly. But I feel like my life has been defined by everyone else's expectations of me, and now for the first time in my life, I am faced with my self. Who is Stephane?
I know who people say I am. I know who God says I am. But who do I say I am? That is the question I have been asking myself lately and it has been weighing me down, dragging me down into an endless pit of questions, past hurts, and grief. I do not think I am strong enough to pull myself up, again. I'm tired of constantly having to pull myself up. When, Oh Lord, when will this end? I am not strong enough for this.
My heart was broken today, again. I put up a boundary to keep myself from being hurt again, and it has caused me to lose someone I dearly love. But, I had to do it. There comes a point in time when you have to do what is right for you, regardless of what others think, feel or say. I have been able to put up walls and boundaries with others in my life who have hurt me in this way, but this one, this one was the hardest I have ever had to do. But, even God says that enough is enough. I have to do what is best for me.
The problem is, I think I make the best decisions, but somewhere along the way it becomes a mistake, a sin in my life and it overwhelms me. I get so upset at myself. The truth is; when I look in the mirror I see a 46yr old screw up. Everything I see is ugly. I am not beautiful, I am not some super model with some great timeless beauty. I am a sorry excuse for a human being, and that is the truth about me.
I hate attention. I hate it when people look at me, compliment me or tell me how much they appreciate me. Because, I don't see it. If I ever truly opened myself up to someone, they wouldn't say those things anymore, they would see how ugly I am. It's all a lie. The truth is, there is nothing in me or about me that is worthy of being loved.
My 23yr marriage ended because of me. No matter how hard I tried it was never enough for him. But, the truth about me is, I gave up years ago. I have people tell me how much they admire me for doing what I did, for being in that marriage as long as I was. But what good is that? I was lonely, miserable and made my life about my kids, family, church and friends. There wasn't much room left for a marriage. So, the truth about me is- I gave up long before I ever left. Instead of being strong and facing my own unhappiness, I stayed in a loveless marriage with a daily reminder of how unworthy I truly am. Instead of facing the truth, I hid myself in my kids, my church, my family. I learned to guard my heart in such a way that no one can ever love me. Not even God. Why would He? I am not worthy of His love.
I am not on a pity potty. I am being real. This is what is inside my soul. This is the black, deep darkness I face everyday. I am not good enough to be loved, not even by God. The truth about me is that I am a wretched woman who has hurt many people. I have made mistakes, sinned against God over and over. There is nothing good in me. I am not worthy of love. The truth about me is, the world would probably be a better place if I weren't in it. The harsh reality is, I am not a good person.
The truth about me is- I am not strong. I am not worthy. I am not the woman I wanted to be. My fear is, I never will be. My fear is that all my hopes, and the promises I have believed are just a figment of my imagination. My fear is that all the things my ex-husband said about me are true- I am not, nor will I ever be good enough to love.
I don't know what I am to do, or where I am to go from here. So I am going to ask, that if you read this post, will you take 2 minutes and say a prayer for me? I don't know how much more of this life I can take. And I don't know how much longer I can stand. I tell people all the time to be a warrior, stay strong, fight, believe, have faith. But it's all a lie. No matter how hard I try, I can't fight this fight anymore. That is the truth about me.
*Please excuse typos and spelling errors*
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