Life has a way of making you humble. The more I live and breathe upon this Earth, the more I see my own wretchedness. People tell me I'm too hard on myself, too critical; it for me, I see it as the truth of who I truly am. At the core of my being, I am a wretched soul. Only God can help me.
But why would He? Why would He ant to help someone like me? I'm not being hard on myself; I'm being truthful. Why would God my Father, the One who spoke the world, time, and all creation into existence- why would He want to help me? Because of His great love, He loved me and gave Himself for me. I know it is true, because I have tasted and seen the love, mercy and goodness of the Lord in my life. The problem is- I don't understand why.
For this overthinking mind of mine; it is a stumbling block. I keep stumbling over truly beleiving that anyone would or could love me enough to give themselves for me. I wouldn't- would you? Maybe I'm not supposed to understand the why. I am only supposed to believe it is true. Maybe that is the truth?
When my kids were little, they would get so upset when I would answer with, "Because I said so." They would push for an explanation, but the only answer I would give was, "Because I said so." Trying to explain to a six year old boy why he couldn't do something or go somewhere because it was for his own good was impossible. His young mind could not understand. What I hoped was that even though he could not understand my reasons for my answer at that moment, one day, because of my love for him, he would understand. I hoped that he would trust my love, even at six, and trust in that love enough to do what was best. That is all my Father in heaven is hoping I will see and I too will believe.
I have to stop trying to understand His love for me and trust it, believe it, and know it. Sooner or later I have to grow up and see His love for me; protecting me, guiding me and yes, even loving me. The truth is; I am not worthy of His love. I never have been and I never will be. But praise God my Father, through the Lord Jesus Christ; He made it so I can be worthy. Through Him I am free to be loved by God, and free to be loved for who I am in Him. This is a true statement- We love Him, because He FIRST loved us. (1 John 4:19 ESV) Until I can trust in Jesus' love shown to me upon His cross, I can not trust in the Father whom is in heaven; for they are One.
But why would He? Why would He ant to help someone like me? I'm not being hard on myself; I'm being truthful. Why would God my Father, the One who spoke the world, time, and all creation into existence- why would He want to help me? Because of His great love, He loved me and gave Himself for me. I know it is true, because I have tasted and seen the love, mercy and goodness of the Lord in my life. The problem is- I don't understand why.
When my kids were little, they would get so upset when I would answer with, "Because I said so." They would push for an explanation, but the only answer I would give was, "Because I said so." Trying to explain to a six year old boy why he couldn't do something or go somewhere because it was for his own good was impossible. His young mind could not understand. What I hoped was that even though he could not understand my reasons for my answer at that moment, one day, because of my love for him, he would understand. I hoped that he would trust my love, even at six, and trust in that love enough to do what was best. That is all my Father in heaven is hoping I will see and I too will believe.
I have to stop trying to understand His love for me and trust it, believe it, and know it. Sooner or later I have to grow up and see His love for me; protecting me, guiding me and yes, even loving me. The truth is; I am not worthy of His love. I never have been and I never will be. But praise God my Father, through the Lord Jesus Christ; He made it so I can be worthy. Through Him I am free to be loved by God, and free to be loved for who I am in Him. This is a true statement- We love Him, because He FIRST loved us. (1 John 4:19 ESV) Until I can trust in Jesus' love shown to me upon His cross, I can not trust in the Father whom is in heaven; for they are One.
"Believe me that I am in the Father and the Father is in me, or else believe on account of the works themselves." John 14:11 ESV
I am not worthy. I never have been and I never will be.
I don't have to be, He already is.
All my life I have desired something bigger, something greater-something more. This desire has driven me. It is what motivates me. There has always been a sense of Him in my life; meaning, I have always known He was there. I was brought up in various denominations my whole life. So talk of Him was always present in my life.
One memory I have is when I was a little girl, living on the outskirts of Muscatine, Iowa. I was probably 7 or 8 at the time. My mom and dad were driving down Highway 61 towards home. I was sitting, looking out the window, watching the corn fields, cows, houses and cars pass by. I got a picture in my mind of God's hand holding the top of our car. We were like a HotWheel that He was pushing along the road. I knew at that moment that He was with me. I was safe. I was His. I remember a feeling of peace come over me as we turned into the drive way. A knowing that He always had His hands on me. I was ok. He loved me, even then.
The next few years I ran from Him. I had this deep desire to find that something greater, better and more. I knew it was out there, I had to find it. So I did whatever I thought was it. I followed every whom and fancy I had, always seeking but never finding. I was horrid. I was wretched.
When I look back over my life, I am broken in despair for the person I was. Even today, as I write these words, I see my wretchedness and I cry out to my Father, and my Lord Jesus Christ- why do You insist on loving me so? Why do You pursue a hopeless cause?
Because He Loves Me.
Believe it. Have faith (confidence) in His words, and stop trying to understand it all. Trust Him, Because He Said So. Until I can trust in the pure love of Jesus Christ (which was witnessed, and recorded in the books of history- not just the Bible) I will never be free. Whether you believe or don't believe, that's between you and Him. What I know to be truth is for me; I will never be free to love Him, or to be loved by Him, until I let go and trust my Father.
That something I seek is a Someone. That something greater I desire, is Someone Greater. That better I strive for, is only found in that Someone. I will never understand His love for me, and that is ok. I don't have to understand it; I only have to trust that it is what is best for me- Because He Said So.
No comments:
Post a Comment