Chapters of My Life: Out of the Pits

(October 9, 2019)

     Yesterday, I sent up a cry for help, a cry for prayers, and a cry for rescue. He heard you. He heard me. He caught me, and I am still resting in His harness of Grace. The truth is; I needed this fall. I needed to be brought low. 
   

When I was 13 yes old, I went through rehab for drug use. I learned a lot, unfortunately, it took me years before I actually applied any of it! But one thing I learned from that experience, was that rock bottom is the best place we can be sometimes. Sometimes, it's the only place we need to be. God will humble you, my friend, when you need it most. 
     You see, I have been very angry at God these past few weeks. Like Job, I was mad at God because I did not understand why my life was not going the way I thought it should. I had been hoping and praying for months, but nothing was happening. It was and is all set backs, and more frustrations. My pride exalted itself against the One who created me. The Only One who truly loves me. 
     Like Job, I was mad. I hear people teach that Job was patient through his suffering, but that doesn't make sense when you actually read it. If Job was patient then why did he ask God to curse the day of his birth? That sounds more like he was mad and upset rather then patient. 
     As soon as I saw a little piece of the promise coming together, and had some confidence, I tried climbing out of His grip and found myself face down at the bottom of this darn pit again! This time, however, I knew the only way out was to face it head on. I hit bottom hard, and it hurt. I was face to face with the truth of who I am. 
     I am a sinner, a great and mighty sinner. This is a true saying- the sins we see in others are the ones we are not willing to see in ourselves. The first time I remember reading Matthew 7: 1-6; my mind saw a picture of myself, standing in front of another person, looking into their eyes. As I stood there, I saw a reflection of myself in their eyes. It was like looking in a mirror, but I was looking into their eyes. The closer I got, the more clearly I could see myself and the finer details of my features. I sit at the bottom of this pit, with that same picture once again, in my head. 

 “Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?  Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye." 

Matthew 7:1-6 ESV

     As I wrote yesterday, I don't like me. When I see my reflection, I see the ugly, unloveable, unworthy wretch that I am. I do not like me. I hate me. Let me say this, please. Can we stop with the constant judging of one another's sins? Please! Stop putting your sins on to someone else, and stop judging them because they sinned the same as you! Take some responsibility for your own choices and confess your sins. Then, and only then, will you see clearly. Trust His Word. I have had to learn the hard way. This is a long story, but I pray you will read and take some nugget of wisdom from my wretched, sinful life! 

     I have never, fully before God, accepted responsibility for my sins. I confess it, and I admit it. You know how I know I have not fully repented? Because I am still struggling with love. I am struggling with loving others and loving God. The one thing that keeps us at enmity with God is unconfessed sin. And for the first time in 22 years of being a believer; I think I understand what He has been trying to tell me. I am going to take you back through these past 46 or so years of mine (don't worry, it's not a lot) and hopefully explain what He is showing me. I pray that you find some nuggets to help you along your way. 

     At the age of 19 I became a single mom. I had a son and I had to do it on my own. It was hard. I barely was surviving when I met my ex-husband. At the age of 21 I was pregnant again, unmarried still, but; he said he loved me,so  we got married. I would love to say that I had this fabulous childhood, but I didn't. It wasn't terrible by any means, I am blessed with a beautiful family. But, we had dysfunction. 

     I loved my mom more than words can ever explain,and I miss her ever single day. But she was a tough woman. She was hard to love. She was very guarded. She rejected love. I am my mother's daughter. Unfortunately, what her rejection did was send me out into a world of sin to find it. My mom was just as broken as every single one of us. As she came to know the Lord, she began to learn love and she let me love her in the end. I took care of her for the last six months of her life. We lived together, prayed together, read the Bible together; we learned love together. It was one of the most beautiful experiences of my life and I would do it all again. Even the guilt, condemnation and grief that I suffered under for so many years after her death. Through my suffering I learned the love of God. 

     By the age of 21 I was pregnant again and struggling to put food in my own mouth. He said he loved me, it had to be enough. I entered into a 23 year marriage that reminded me daily of how unworthy and unloveable I was. He made me feel worthless. But the truth is, I didn't love him either. How could I? I didn't love myself. 

     My sins have always kept me away from the one thing my soul craves- love. It is the one thing that every soul on this Earth craves. Because of sin, we have been separated from the love of the Father. Your sins separate you from loving and being loved. Once we partake of sin, we are cast into shame and we turn away from Him. Adam and Eve didn't go looking for God after they sinned- no, God went looking for them. 

     I spent the first 7 years of my marriage cowering below a man who looked at me like I was the most worthless woman in the world. We had a toxic marriage. It was full of abuse. He didn't love me because he didn't know how to. We separated for about 2 years during that 7 year period. It was during that separation that I became a believer in Christ. I had went back to Iowa to get my life in order again. Let's just say I was in no right frame of mind nor position to care for anyone, let alone 2 little ones. So, I went back to Iowa for a few months alone. It was on a trip back to North Carolina to see my kids when we decided to try to make things work. I had changed. He said he had changed. 

     I will never forget that night. We had just finished playing a game of chess, the kids were asleep and I went to check in them. I walked into their room, saw their little faces and got face down in front of God. I vowed that night that I would do anything, sacrifice anything, if it meant I could be with my children again. So, I did what I thought was best. I walked back into a loveless, emotionally abusive marriage in the hopes that I could show my children what love truly was. Even if that meant sacrificing any chance I might have of finding it for myself. At the time, I thought I could love him enough for the both of us, but no matter how hard I tried, it was never good enough. I would never be worthy of his love. He made that very clear. 

     He was an unbeliever, and did not know the love of God. I could never have measured up to his standards because he didn't even know what they were. That my friend, is why we do not become unequally yoked with unbelievers. 

     However, my situation was different. I was already married and had children when I became a believer. I chose to put myself there for their sakes, but what I did not see was the effect it was having inside of me. I am a pro at hiding my emotions. It is a survival tool to help withstand verbal and mental abuse. Deep down, the hurt and pain of not being good enough, still not worthy enough to be loved was constantly eating away at me. My marriage was a constant reminder of how unworthy of love I was. 

     As I grew in the Lord, I learned love. I learned forgiveness, grace, mercy. Here is a little nugget of wisdom I have picked up along the way. Sin comes in many layers. You may have confessed the sin, but true, rock bottom, humble repentance will open your eyes to a whole new level of Him. You will see clearly and forgiveness will come rushing in like a peaceful river, refreshing your soul. And the hurt won't come back again. You heal. 

     After my children grew up and flew the nest, I started to live my life for me. My ex husband and I separated long before we actually did. Around our 10-11th year of marriage,we separated bedrooms. We told everyone it was because he snored, but the truth is, we didn't like each other that much. My kids were raised in a home where mom and dad had different bedrooms. I stayed faithful. For 12 years I was faithful to him because I promised to show my kids the love of Jesus and to live as an example to them. God is faithful. I vowed to my God that I would do whatever it took, even if that meant sacrificing my own desires, wants and needs. But the reality of it is, I didn't love him and he did not love me. 

     I believe He is asking me to recognize that it's not because they don't love you, or that I am unworthy of love; it's because I do not love myself. You see the sins, the unconfessed truth that you have been hiding is reflected off others. It's why we struggle in every single relationship we have. The only way we can accept love or even give love is if we first have it in ourselves. God is love. 

     Every relationship we have is centered around our innate desire to love and be loved. We are empty without it. We were created in love, by love and for love. God is love and we were created in the image of Him. But, sin separated us. It separated us from Him and from each other. 

     My ex-husband was a harsh man, but I forgive him. Because he didn't know Him. Now, I can move forward, and all the hurt, the pain and the unworthiness I have carried around in my soul for the past 23 years can finally heal. I will be a new creation. I am loved. I am worthy of love. Christ died for the ungodly, and that is who I am. That is love. If He counts me worthy, then no man can say different. Amen? 

     My friend, hear me- let go of your sins, confess your shame and admit you are a wretched sinner just like me. He will lift you up out of this pit again. No matter how many times it takes. Your story is your story. We are all Epistles written for the benefit of each other. There are 66 books in the Bible filled with stories of men and women who walked this Earth in faith, hurt, greif and pain; not to mention the 1000's of others written; and yet not a single story is the same. They are all uniquely different. Individual Epistles. That speck, my friend, that speck is you. 

     Discover you and you won't see that speck anymore. You are worthy of love. You are loved. I pray that you have found something good, some nuggets of wisdom to help you finally put the feelings of shame, and unworthiness away. I pray you can learn to know love, to receive love, and to bestow love. I have a long way to go but I have hope again and for the first time in my life, I am free to find out what it means to be loved. I am my Beloved's and my Beloved is He. 

**I wrote this post as a testimony for those who are suffering, have suffered abuse, whether it be physical, emotional or mental. Abuse is wrong and you do not have to stay in it. Please tell someone and seek help. Do not let shame keep you in a toxic relationship. Seek help. The abuse you suffer/have suffered is not your fault! You are worthy and you are loved. Amen?