Reality for me- I'm broke. Broke beyond belief. I have some rice cakes and peanut butter to get me through till payday, but that is it. Life is really, really hard and I don't know why I can't seem to get ahead. The more I strive, the more I fail. I am tired. I am tired of fighting. I am tired of the waiting, and the constant hits that just keep coming.
I try to stay positive, and have faith, but I think the Lord God has finally tossed me away. Who am I kidding? I am living in a dream world of lost hopes and broken promises. I ask Him why is this happening? What have I done that has caused Him to allow these things in my life to fall apart?
I have said and done a lot of things I wished I wouldn't have. I have a pattern of behavior; and I hope for the first time in my life, I can put a stop to it and start fresh; a blank slate.
Who am I? What is my happiness? Who am I at the center of me? Is it me, or is it really Him? Have I been living a fantasy? Or is this all just some big mistake? Is this going to be my reality for the rest of my life? I hope not. I want a clean break. I desire a blank slate.
Life is represented to us throughout the Bible as seasons. Different seasons have different purposes. But each is needful for creation to survive. What I am learning is that I have to be patient and let creation do what the Creator designed it to do. I can learn a lot about myself, God and mankind by listening to what His creation is trying to teach me.
My favorite place to be is outside. I love the sounds, the smells, and the sights. There is freedom to the outdoors. A freedom to just be, to just live and grow and help others out when need be. The trees give shelter to the forest animals, the mountains house creatures, rivers give life, and God always makes sure they have all they need. Life is reflected to us in creation, to those who choose to see it.
One thing is true about this heart of mine, I desire nothing more than to be free. Free to roam and experience the beauty of His outdoors. I have to be free and be a part of His creation. I have to. It is the core of me. It's why I believe I can never be married nor do I have that settled down desire most women have. That life is not for me. I do not believe it's who He created me to be.
So who am I then? I can't be a free spirit and just roam around, following every whim. I don't have the resources for that, nor the finances in the bank to support it. And I like the comforts of a bed, shower and coffee too much to just pack up and go wherever the wind leads. But I will admit that the thought of packing up my hiking gear and just leaving everything behind, going where the Spirit leads me, is tempting to say the least. But I do have children and grandchildren whom I love too much to leave. I do very much hate the confines life puts upon me.
I want to go and be and do so many things. Sometimes, I envision myself climbing a mountain and standing at the top, just me and Him, the place I most long to be. It is what I long for most of all, it's how I see free. But my life isn't there yet, and I am afraid it never will be. It is my biggest fear; it is the giant I face every single day. I fear that He will never let me get to that place I seek. Why? Because I know me. I know how unworthy of His blessings I am. I am wretched. It is in the very core of me.
That is why I write these words today; to ask the Lord, and pray the Father, that no matter how long it takes, no matter the sacrifices I have to make, I ask that He gives me the strength to face this giant and to finally reach that destination I so desperately seek. Father, please, give me one more shot and help me hit the target this time. Let it all fall Lord, let it all fall away from me, just like the leaves on the trees. Finish it, Lord, and then finish me.
I am tired. I am afraid. I am facing the truth of who I am and I don't want to be that me anymore. I ask, Father, that you make me into the me You created me to be. You have shown me the way, now You say, I must walk in it. This season has a purpose and a reason. Look at it, experience it, learn from it and let it teach you what it means to let go and just be.
Why do I grieve when the leaves of my life fall away? They are falling to make way for something more beautiful then it was before. You have to let go of what was to make way for what will be. Look at the trees. They let their Creator bend them in the wind, and they let go of all the dead, all that no longer supports them. They let it all go and they wait in patient hope for spring. Why? Because they know that no matter how harsh the winter may be; spring will come and beauty will once more be upon their branches.
Beauty can only be seen after you experience the suffering. Take the good, the growth and the beauty of these past seasons, and let the rest fall to the ground. Store the goodness inside you, and as winter storms keep you locked in; use that to give you strength. You will see spring again. You are not naked and exposed. You will survive the winter that is coming. You will see spring again.
I realized this morning that I have been saying I am happy, telling myself I am happy; but I am not. I am struggling every day to keep a strong and faith-filled face. My soul is disquieted, and I am not at peace. But what He has shown me, I know is truth. I cannot deny it any longer, and must do what He is asking me to do. I have spoken it, therefore He will hold me accountable to it. He will hold me accountable in His harness of Grace.
Here I am Lord, Your blank slate. Write your story upon me; no matter what it takes. I ask only that You lead me to that special place, where I can stand on top of that mountain and finally see You face to face. Finish me Father. Let the leaves of my life fall down to the ground, and restore my hope that spring will come again.
I do not know what tomorrow brings, and I know that winter is coming. I wipe clean what was and pray that You write a beautiful story upon this simple, little tree. I am Your blank slate, write it all upon me.
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