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| LINVILLE FALLS, NC |
I really don't like me sometimes. Well, most of the time. I don't like the choices I make, the excuses I use and the justification I find to continue in them. I don't really like me. I don't really like anything about me.
When I look at myself I see everything wrong- everything about me that is not good, not perfect. I see a Stephane reflected back at me, and I don't really like her. She is not the me I want to be.
I don't know who I am anymore. That little girl with happy dreams, sitting on a riverbank listening to Duran Duran (don't judge!) is gone. Her heart got beaten up, torn apart and tossed into the burn pile. That young mom who used to dance in the kitchen with the broom when the kids were in school and the husband had gone to work; where did she go? I feel like everything I was is gone. Everything I thought I was is gone- it is past. That part of me is gone. I am a new creation. But, the scary part is, I don't know who this new woman is yet. I have never met her.
I've seen her. The Lord has introduced me to her in His Word. But I have not met her yet. She is just a picture, a hope, a dream I want to be- but she is not me. Not yet. That is who I was, but that is not who I will be. That is not who I am. That is not who I am becoming. Grace loves us in spite of our sins; but God's grace loves us too much to leave us in those sins.
Like the Phoenix, you will rise from the ashes. But one thing is certain, if I don't step out of the ashes of the past, you are never going to get anywhere. Faith without works is dead. It is impossible to please God without faith.
"And without faith it is impossible to please Him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who seek Him."
"He rewards" those...Faith without obedience is dead. Obedience is the "work". All who keep His commandments...Noah believed God. He had faith. But he still had to build the boat! Without works your faith is dead. Obedience is His commandments to you. The voice behind you telling you to go to the right or to the left. That is the voice that you are to obey. His rule, His reign, His will which He has created for your good and His glory. It really doesn't get much better than that!
"I will remember their sins and their lawless deeds no more. Where there is forgiveness, there is no longer any offering for sin."
You can't read a chalkboard after its been wiped clean. You can't read something that has been deleted. It is gone. It is wiped clean. We are wiped clean. God does not see our sins and our lawless deeds. He has forgiven everything we have every done or will ever do. The chalkboard of sins that were written against us are gone; fulfilled, wiped clean, and it is impossible for God to see them ever again. This is the hope of those whose names are written in the Lamb's Book of Life.
To be written in the Lamb's book of life you must believe that "by a single offering, He has perfected for all time those who are being sanctified." (Hebrews 10:14) Believe in the Lord Jesus and you will be saved. And, as Jesus tells us, if we believe in Him, we will keep (obey) His commandments. We will know Him, and He will be known through us by our works of faith, amen.
(July 29, 2019 PM)
Pray without ceasing. When you are overcome- pray When you are bored-pray. When your mind starts to wander and your flesh becomes weak- pray. Seek those things which are above- your hopes, your dreams, the desires of your heart, His promises to you. Seek those things which are above and not below. Set your mind on things above. Keep looking up. Don't give up. The battle is the Lord's.
I have written many posts (Chapters) in the past few days, but none of them have seemed right so I have not shared them. He has been teaching me a lot, but lately, I just haven't felt myself. He has been teaching me and showing me a lot about myself, my needs, my wants, my determinations; sins, failures and faults. He has been showing me- me. I don't really like her to be honest (as I mentioned above). But thankfully, I don't have to be her anymore. I can change. I can be the woman I desire to be, the woman He has shown me; if I would just believe.
One of my chapters that I did not post was about Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane. He suffered under the torment of the flesh too. He understands what I am going through, and not only does He understand it- He defeated it. He experienced the power of the flesh to the point that resisting it made Him sweat blood. (Luke 22:44) He knows my suffering more than even I do. None of us have ever resisted sin to the point of blood- but He did. That is the reason why I must follow His example that He gave me in the Garden of Gethsemane. When temptation comes, and it will come- the flesh does not want to do the will of God- but when it comes, I can resist knowing He has overcome. Pray without ceasing.
Jesus shows me what to do. My spirit is willing but my flesh is very weak. Pray. Get on my knees and pray or wherever you are, do whatever you have to do to lean upon His grace. He has been here before. Walk away, pray. Walk, pray. Sit, Pray. Stand, kneel, get in your car- whatever you have to do, pray and let Him carry the burden of it all. Pray for God to deliver you from evil and give you strength to overcome. What happened when Jesus said, "Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done."? (Luke 22:42) He was strengthened. He was able to face the suffering that was to come. Why? Because the battle was the Lord's. For the joy that was set before Him, He endured the cross. He is our example, He is our help. Pray for His knowledge, His wisdom and His strength to overcome because He has overcome. Amen? It won't be easy, but it will be worth it.
My spirit is willing. Inside my very soul I want to do what God is asking me to do. I know I have faith that He will complete His work (His Promises) to me. But my flesh is weak. My flesh doesn't want to. It's afraid to let go of the comforts of its sins. Its easier here- and I can justify it too. But God knows its baggage, an obstacle, a stumbling block for the path ahead. He knows if I keep holding onto it, it will produce thorns, thistles and briers to come up along the way. He does know best. Nevertheless, Thy will be done.
This won't be easy. But Jesus never promised it would be. It wasn't easy for Jesus, I don't know why I think it will be for me. It wasn't easy for Peter, James, John, Paul, and all the other men and women of faith throughout the ages. But they gave God their best and He did the rest. Why is that not enough for me?
Here I sit at the bottom of this mountain, hoping that if I climb it, the desire I seek is on the other side. He says it is, and I believe Him. So why am I stuck, sitting on this rock of indecision, still trying to work out a compromise with God? (The will to do good is within me, but I do not do it. That which I know not to do, that I find myself doing! Wretched woman that I am!) The spirit is indeed willing but the flesh is very weak.
But I have to make a choice and stop sitting upon this rock. There is no time like the present, and even the Bible agrees with that. "Today," He says, "If you will hear His voice and harden not your hearts..." (Hebrews 3:7-8) Get up. I must get up. If I say I believe in His Word, if I say I believe in Him, His Son, and everything He says He is; then I need to get off my bum and start the walk. It is all uphill from here. Amen.
So, Lord I pray, before You and before man; that I will find the strength and the courage to take this leap of faith. I will obey. I will lay down what you have asked, trusting in Your unfailing word to sustain me and refresh me for the fight. May Your name be glorified in everything, Amen.
Pray for me, as I lay down the things/ distractions/ baggage that cannot go on this journey with me. Pray He gives me strength, courage and wisdom to be the woman He has shown me this mountain will make me. Lord Jesus, give me strength. Amen.
(July 30th, 2019 a.m.)
Why do I feel so stuck? So stagnate? Lazy. I have no motivation. I have this feeling of living in a slow motion picture, life is just creeping along. Everyday stuck in the same pattern; losing motivation to do anything. I want to be living. Living my dream. But I know I have to wait. I have things I need to learn, and do and I have not yet grown into the woman who can take on that responsibility just yet. The time is not right. I know I am not strong enough yet. But I feel like I am stuck and no funds to do anything doesn't help that matter either!
Lord, help me. Help me sift through these thoughts of mine. Help me find clarity and understanding. Strengthen my faith to trust You enough to step into what You are showing me. I know I can't do it. My flesh is weak. I've tried every other road I can find, and You have proven to me there is no other way. It's only Your way. Now, I have to give up the battle, and lay down my sword. You are not my enemy. You may be taking away, but it is only so I may win. David met Goliath with no armor. He tried on man made armor but it hindered him. It did not help him. God was his armor. He brought David to this moment, to this giant, to face the one who terrorized His people. David trusted God, believed God and David won. Faith saved David. Faith saved Israel. Through one man's faith many saw and believed.
That which hinders me is not good for me. Lay it down. Stop fighting Him. He is not the enemy. He does truly know the way to the desire of your heart. This my child, is not it. The victory you seek is not here. It is over this mountain, it is on the other side. Get up and walk. Stop this nonsense. He is God. You can wrestle with Him all you want, but He will win. Stop looking for other options. Stop seeking justification. Not all things are good for you. Just because they are okay, does not mean they are "expedient" for you. He knows. Lay it down. Take off the armor that hinders you and let Him give you victory. Amen?
(July 30th, 2019 p.m.)
I am going to be 46 years old in a few days. Trust me when I say, this is not where I thought I would be. I never pictured myself where I am. There is nothing wrong with where I am. I like where I am. I like what I am learning. I like what I am doing. I like this life I never pictured for myself. Are there things I would change? Yes. Are there circumstances I would much rather not suffer? Umm....Yes! But what I am learning about God, myself, and my fellow human being is priceless.
For instance, I was feeling sorry for myself the other day. I have been wanting to go hiking, either up at Eno River or up into the mountains. (Mountains would be awesome- but I will take Eno River as a compromise!) At one time in my life I could hop in my car and go- just go and be gone up at Linville Falls, Eno River, Pilot Mountain, and all over this beautiful state of North Carolina. But right now- that is not possible. I can't afford it, and my car won't make it that far. I am stuck, and it sucks.
After feeling sorry for myself and whining to God about my current financial circumstances, I was on my way to work and I did something to my back. (This was Saturday morning) I have a herniated disc in my back and sometimes if I twist the wrong way, sleep wrong or just breath wrong the darn thing flares up on me. I am not a medicine taking kind of person, I prefer more natural remedies if I can. I pray- He is my True Physician, and I walk. When it flares up, for me, hot water/ heat and walks help a lot. Having this pain and not being able to go somewhere and hike it off- well, that just made my self pity go sky high! Here I needed to walk for my back, and I couldn't. There was no where for me to go. I was feeling some sorry for myself, let me tell you!
Sunday morning, I am sitting down, feeling sorry for myself even more, and I hear- Go walk and check out that path. I have biked our subdivision many times before, and during one of my rides, I noticed a narrow walkway that led into another subdivision. I never road my bike over it, I wanted to walk over it first before I go riding my bike over it. I wasn't sure about the bridge and how sturdy it was. Learned my lesson the hard way! Walk it first! I decided I needed to walk anyway, so I would go check out that path. If it was doable, I would ride my bike over it as soon as I could.
As I began walking, I began feeling a little better and I started to notice the smells of summer morning all around me. I started to see the blessings all around me. Here I was, complaining and grumbling about how I couldn't go hiking, when all I had to do was walk out my front door. Yes, I felt stagnate. But only because I was not willing to be content where I was at. My circumstances are not the best, but I can see and be encouraged with the best He is giving me at this very moment. That is what content means. Accepting the circumstances and being encouraged from the best He has already given you. I saw some beautiful things, just walking through the subdivisions. I smelled some sweet, pine fresh summer scents that made me just stand and inhale. Oh, if they could only put that in a candle! Ain't nothing like the smell of a southern summer morning! The fresh evergreens wrapped in wild lilacs and honeysuckle vines of all kinds. That's one of my favorite smells of all! I love the south in the summertime. It's hot, but that just makes the smells even sweeter.
But had I wallowed in my pain and self pity, I would have never experienced the lesson of how to be simply content. I could have taken some drugs and gone back to bed, but that's not who I am. I believe God has allowed this "thorn in my flesh" to flare up and remind me of why He has me in these circumstances I am in. I haven't learned yet.
I believe He is preparing me for a journey I have yet to see. I know what His Word says to me. I know His promises to me. But it is still up to me. I have to accept His offer of peace, stop fighting Him, and do the work He has asked of me. Until I do this, on this stump, sitting at the bottom of the mountain of His promise I shall stay. I got a choice to make. I either take up my bed and walk, or I can continue to make excuses and lie there. My choice. My decision. He's not fighting me. I am the one fighting Him.
Even in my reading I have become stagnate. I am finding other things to do. Honestly, I haven't felt like doing much of anything. Work, home, and that't it. I have little to no motivation and I don't know why. I know I'm stagnate, but there are times when I do feel very alone, and it does scare me a little. I want to be independent and not rely on anyone but God alone. But lately, due to finances, I have had to lean on family and friends. It drives me nuts. I don't want to owe anyone anything, but to love them. It's just really hard to do lately.
I know what I need to do, and I want to do it. But I cannot seem to find the motivation to do it. Oh, wretched woman that I am! The simple truth is, I've put off taking this journey and now the tide is coming in. If I don't build a boat or get off this rock and start walking up that mountain, I am not going to make it. I need to do something. I have no other choice. I need courage, Lord. I need courage.
I don't write these words for anyone but myself. This blog is an outlet for me. A place where I can lay out my thoughts and hopefully, prayerfully, encourage someone along the way. I am learning a lot on this journey, and it has not been easy at all. My biggest fear is that this mountain I am going to climb is not going to be easy either. But I have to try. I have to for my sake, for His sake and for the sake of the desire of my heart. If I want what He has promised, and climbing this mountain is the only way to it, then I have no other choice than to get up and start the climb.
Nothing has ever been out of His control. He has prepared everything I will need, everything I have to make this journey is all around me. (2 Peter 1:3) Everything I need to live a life of godliness and peace, a journey full of joy and abundance in Him- a life content on its way to the desire of my heart- is waiting for me. All I have to do is get up. Move when He says move. Go when He says Go. He knows the times and the seasons. I don't know what is coming, but He does. Sooner or later, you gotta build the boat. Amen?
I pray these nuggets I picked up while sitting on my rock of self pity has encouraged you to trust Him, believe Him and wait for Him. I pray they have encouraged you. This rock is not comfortable, and I don't wish it for anyone. But if you find yourself sitting on a rock, staring up at your mountain, may I encourage you to go, move, build- do whatever you have to do and get up that mountain. What lies on the other side of that mountain truly is the life you want to live. Go, move. Walk. Amen?
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| Trail at Linville Falls, NC Photo Credit |
Here I sit at the bottom of this mountain, hoping that if I climb it, the desire I seek is on the other side. He says it is, and I believe Him. So why am I stuck, sitting on this rock of indecision, still trying to work out a compromise with God? (The will to do good is within me, but I do not do it. That which I know not to do, that I find myself doing! Wretched woman that I am!) The spirit is indeed willing but the flesh is very weak.
But I have to make a choice and stop sitting upon this rock. There is no time like the present, and even the Bible agrees with that. "Today," He says, "If you will hear His voice and harden not your hearts..." (Hebrews 3:7-8) Get up. I must get up. If I say I believe in His Word, if I say I believe in Him, His Son, and everything He says He is; then I need to get off my bum and start the walk. It is all uphill from here. Amen.
So, Lord I pray, before You and before man; that I will find the strength and the courage to take this leap of faith. I will obey. I will lay down what you have asked, trusting in Your unfailing word to sustain me and refresh me for the fight. May Your name be glorified in everything, Amen.
Pray for me, as I lay down the things/ distractions/ baggage that cannot go on this journey with me. Pray He gives me strength, courage and wisdom to be the woman He has shown me this mountain will make me. Lord Jesus, give me strength. Amen.
(July 30th, 2019 a.m.)
Why do I feel so stuck? So stagnate? Lazy. I have no motivation. I have this feeling of living in a slow motion picture, life is just creeping along. Everyday stuck in the same pattern; losing motivation to do anything. I want to be living. Living my dream. But I know I have to wait. I have things I need to learn, and do and I have not yet grown into the woman who can take on that responsibility just yet. The time is not right. I know I am not strong enough yet. But I feel like I am stuck and no funds to do anything doesn't help that matter either!
Lord, help me. Help me sift through these thoughts of mine. Help me find clarity and understanding. Strengthen my faith to trust You enough to step into what You are showing me. I know I can't do it. My flesh is weak. I've tried every other road I can find, and You have proven to me there is no other way. It's only Your way. Now, I have to give up the battle, and lay down my sword. You are not my enemy. You may be taking away, but it is only so I may win. David met Goliath with no armor. He tried on man made armor but it hindered him. It did not help him. God was his armor. He brought David to this moment, to this giant, to face the one who terrorized His people. David trusted God, believed God and David won. Faith saved David. Faith saved Israel. Through one man's faith many saw and believed.
That which hinders me is not good for me. Lay it down. Stop fighting Him. He is not the enemy. He does truly know the way to the desire of your heart. This my child, is not it. The victory you seek is not here. It is over this mountain, it is on the other side. Get up and walk. Stop this nonsense. He is God. You can wrestle with Him all you want, but He will win. Stop looking for other options. Stop seeking justification. Not all things are good for you. Just because they are okay, does not mean they are "expedient" for you. He knows. Lay it down. Take off the armor that hinders you and let Him give you victory. Amen?
(July 30th, 2019 p.m.)
I am going to be 46 years old in a few days. Trust me when I say, this is not where I thought I would be. I never pictured myself where I am. There is nothing wrong with where I am. I like where I am. I like what I am learning. I like what I am doing. I like this life I never pictured for myself. Are there things I would change? Yes. Are there circumstances I would much rather not suffer? Umm....Yes! But what I am learning about God, myself, and my fellow human being is priceless.
For instance, I was feeling sorry for myself the other day. I have been wanting to go hiking, either up at Eno River or up into the mountains. (Mountains would be awesome- but I will take Eno River as a compromise!) At one time in my life I could hop in my car and go- just go and be gone up at Linville Falls, Eno River, Pilot Mountain, and all over this beautiful state of North Carolina. But right now- that is not possible. I can't afford it, and my car won't make it that far. I am stuck, and it sucks.
After feeling sorry for myself and whining to God about my current financial circumstances, I was on my way to work and I did something to my back. (This was Saturday morning) I have a herniated disc in my back and sometimes if I twist the wrong way, sleep wrong or just breath wrong the darn thing flares up on me. I am not a medicine taking kind of person, I prefer more natural remedies if I can. I pray- He is my True Physician, and I walk. When it flares up, for me, hot water/ heat and walks help a lot. Having this pain and not being able to go somewhere and hike it off- well, that just made my self pity go sky high! Here I needed to walk for my back, and I couldn't. There was no where for me to go. I was feeling some sorry for myself, let me tell you!
Sunday morning, I am sitting down, feeling sorry for myself even more, and I hear- Go walk and check out that path. I have biked our subdivision many times before, and during one of my rides, I noticed a narrow walkway that led into another subdivision. I never road my bike over it, I wanted to walk over it first before I go riding my bike over it. I wasn't sure about the bridge and how sturdy it was. Learned my lesson the hard way! Walk it first! I decided I needed to walk anyway, so I would go check out that path. If it was doable, I would ride my bike over it as soon as I could.
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| Pics from my Walk around the neighborhood |
But had I wallowed in my pain and self pity, I would have never experienced the lesson of how to be simply content. I could have taken some drugs and gone back to bed, but that's not who I am. I believe God has allowed this "thorn in my flesh" to flare up and remind me of why He has me in these circumstances I am in. I haven't learned yet.
I believe He is preparing me for a journey I have yet to see. I know what His Word says to me. I know His promises to me. But it is still up to me. I have to accept His offer of peace, stop fighting Him, and do the work He has asked of me. Until I do this, on this stump, sitting at the bottom of the mountain of His promise I shall stay. I got a choice to make. I either take up my bed and walk, or I can continue to make excuses and lie there. My choice. My decision. He's not fighting me. I am the one fighting Him.
Even in my reading I have become stagnate. I am finding other things to do. Honestly, I haven't felt like doing much of anything. Work, home, and that't it. I have little to no motivation and I don't know why. I know I'm stagnate, but there are times when I do feel very alone, and it does scare me a little. I want to be independent and not rely on anyone but God alone. But lately, due to finances, I have had to lean on family and friends. It drives me nuts. I don't want to owe anyone anything, but to love them. It's just really hard to do lately.
I know what I need to do, and I want to do it. But I cannot seem to find the motivation to do it. Oh, wretched woman that I am! The simple truth is, I've put off taking this journey and now the tide is coming in. If I don't build a boat or get off this rock and start walking up that mountain, I am not going to make it. I need to do something. I have no other choice. I need courage, Lord. I need courage.
I don't write these words for anyone but myself. This blog is an outlet for me. A place where I can lay out my thoughts and hopefully, prayerfully, encourage someone along the way. I am learning a lot on this journey, and it has not been easy at all. My biggest fear is that this mountain I am going to climb is not going to be easy either. But I have to try. I have to for my sake, for His sake and for the sake of the desire of my heart. If I want what He has promised, and climbing this mountain is the only way to it, then I have no other choice than to get up and start the climb.
Nothing has ever been out of His control. He has prepared everything I will need, everything I have to make this journey is all around me. (2 Peter 1:3) Everything I need to live a life of godliness and peace, a journey full of joy and abundance in Him- a life content on its way to the desire of my heart- is waiting for me. All I have to do is get up. Move when He says move. Go when He says Go. He knows the times and the seasons. I don't know what is coming, but He does. Sooner or later, you gotta build the boat. Amen?
I pray these nuggets I picked up while sitting on my rock of self pity has encouraged you to trust Him, believe Him and wait for Him. I pray they have encouraged you. This rock is not comfortable, and I don't wish it for anyone. But if you find yourself sitting on a rock, staring up at your mountain, may I encourage you to go, move, build- do whatever you have to do and get up that mountain. What lies on the other side of that mountain truly is the life you want to live. Go, move. Walk. Amen?
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