Chapters of My Life: Many Lessons

     I am a people pleaser. It is true, I confess it and I pray the Lord to continue to show me how to please Him first. I realized today that I am too nice. I am too trusting. I seek the good in others and seek to know and understand them. The problem is, that nature in me gets used against me and I end up being manipulated; fearful, and unable to make the right choice in faith.

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     I have put my trust in man, when the Only One who deserves my trust is Jesus Christ, my Lord. He is the Only One who has earned it. He has proven Himself- what more do you need? I have come to this realization through a series of events that have taken place over the past two, two and a half years. One thing I have asked of the Lord, over and over again  in prayer was that He would teach me to have a heart only for Him. I have been praying this since the day He called my name. My heart completely and utterly surrendered to Him; that is my one true desire. That is my destiny.
     What I didn't realize until now is that these past 22 years of my life with Him, He has been answering that prayer. He has taken me through many trials, many valleys and even more mountains. But He was with me the whole entire time, answering my hearts cry. Unfortunately, I realized this truth too late and I failed, and I fell hard. (The battle is always the hardest, right before victory) I fell away from my One True Love. My heart became wretched and love of myself encamped all around me. I indulged, I took a dive off the wrong cliff and ended up outside the camp; God watched me walk away.
     I became the  woman I  thought everyone wanted me to be. I was "super woman". My ego and my pride were doing the salsa all over my life. I was lost, yes, this sheep wandered from the narrow path that her Shepherd had made; but, you can come back. (That's grace) There is no mountain too big for Him. I really don't care what anyone says- I know my Lord, and His word, and that is enough for me.
     I know what His words says, and I have faith in it. I believe it; no matter who contradicts me. I know that if I am faithful to what I BELIEVE He is showing me, then He will bless me, and all my delights and desires will be bestowed upon me on that glorious day when He comes to take me as His, for all eternity. But I also know what His word says if I am false believer, or if I am deceiving myself or have been deceived. That end leads to eternal damnation- eternal separation from Him. To me, the thought of that brings tears to my eyes and pierces my heart. But that's what faith is- risking it all for the hope of eternal life with Him.
     A saying I hear a lot goes something like, "I would rather live my life as if there is a God, and find out in the end I was right, then live my whole life as if there is No God, and find out in the end I was wrong." What I don't think we as "professing christians" understand is the truth of that statement. Noah believed God and he and his family were saved. The whole world thought Noah was out of his mind. They had never heard of rain, let alone seen it. Yet, Noah built a boat because he CHOSE to believe the voice inside him, rather than the noise outside. Noah believed the voice of Righteousness rather than the world. (world= what could be seen; temporal)
     Think about it like this-there was no written word of any life existing before Noah until Moses wrote it. You have to remember that no one wrote anything until God instructed Moses to do so. So where did Noah hear about God? From where did he learn to trust Him? From his surroundings. (I will leave that lesson for another day- but you can ponder on it until then. Read Romans)

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     Let me take us back to the beginning- the beginning of me, maybe that will help explain what I am trying to say a little easier to understand. I was living in Goldsboro and I was not in a very good spiritual place. I was wretched, I had fallen and there is no other way to say it. I dove in head first and I got hurt. Why? Because I wanted people to see someone other than me. I allowed the shame of my choices to overcome my faith. I sinned against God, and I started to slip in my walk. I used to spend 2-3 hours in the morning with Him; but little by  little that all fell away. I was sliding down into a pit and I was too ashamed to call out for His Grace.
    We have to stop hiding behind masks. He is showing me more and more how important it is to follow Him and Him alone. Everyone wears a mask; once again- I don't care how christian they tell you they are- everyone has a mask. Every single one of us has an indwelling nature to be people pleasers. We were created to please- please God. But sin snuck in and twisted that- now we seek to please ourselves at the expense of others.
     Understand this, the reason why the First Commandment tells us to have No Other Gods Before Him- is because we have exalted ourselves above Him and seek our fleshly desires to please ourselves rather then pleasing Him. That is the definition of sin. I once heard a teaching on the Ten Commandments, and I will never forget what the pastor said about the First Commandment. He said that the word "Before" could be interpreted in our language today as "in My Face". The great sin we have that keeps us from full surrender to Him, is our desire to please ourselves and please others. For some reason we think that if we make someone else happy, then they in return should make us happy. But that is not reality- that is sin, twisting your mind into shame. You are guilty of sin against God first- go make it right with Him before you go beating down the door of you neighbor for theirs. (Just saying!)

      "Besides this you know the time, that the hour has come for you to wake from sleep. For salvation is nearer to us now than when we first believed. The night is far gone; the day is at hand. So then let us cast off the works of darkness and put on the armor of light. Let us walk properly as in the daytime, not in orgies and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and sensuality, not in quarreling and jealousy. But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to gratify its desires." Romans 13:11-14 KJV

     Paul tells us to Wake Up! Wake up people! Believe! I have done some pretty unrighteous and unholy things in my life time, but let me assure you of this- His Grace is never out of reach. One of my favorite verses in the book of Hebrews is 4:16 (KJV) "Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need." Boldly means to be confident- to have unwavering faith that you have uninhibited access to the One True God- The Almighty Father, Creator of Heaven and Earth. Unlimited and uninhibited access. Stand in that. Be confident that no one is out of His reach- not even you. 
    This past year has taught me a lot- but it did not become a reality until just recently. I tried to settle into a life that I thought was going to make me happy. I had made a commitment, I had walked down a road that I never should have been on. But I walked it, God knew I was going to walk it, and He never was out of reach. The reason why I can say that I shouldn't have been on that road, is because the longer I walked it; the longer I allowed myself to block out my true self, my true desire, the more unsettled and uneasy I became. I thought this path was an answer to my prayers. What I did not realize was that it was. God knows our hearts. Paul tells us that the Spirit makes intercession for us, speaking to God the Father on our behalf all the time. He knows exactly what we need. (Romans 8:26 ESV)
     Many years ago, when I became a christian, no one in my family. Yes, I wrote a book about it- but honestly, I wouldn't read it if I were you. It is not me- it's a mask, worn to please the people around me. Had I not experienced the separation I would have never known His Grace. Not only know it, but experience it, be embraced by it and transformed because of it. I would have never known Him. 
     I did take the long way back home, to be sure! I am like the Israelites- an 11 day journey took them 40 Years! Took me almost 46! But, the important thing is- I am home. Back where I belong. Loving my Savior, all the day long. I confess all this because I am taking off my mask. I am done with it; no matter the cost. It has suffocated me, blinded me and made me stumble long enough. I am talking a leap of faith and I am calling out for His Grace. I would rather take the chance in His truth than trust in man, ever again. 
     This is me. This is who I am, and who He is making me out to be. Because, I am confident "of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ:" (Philippians 1:6 KJV) until I become the image of Christ, and no one knows what He looks like, save those few He has chosen. Paul knew Him, Paul saw Him; so did Peter, James, John all of them; the whole Bible from start to finish is examples for us of those who knew God, saw God and believed God. And because of their faith, God accounted it to them as Righteousness. God looked upon His children, the children of faith, the children of the promise; and said, you are righteous because I have called you righteous. They believed His word to them, that voice in their head telling them to go to the left, or go to the right. But we have silenced that voice with our lack of faith. 
     I had a choice to make, there was no other way around it. I sought an eternal life with my Lord and Savior. I wanted nothing more than to be in His perfect, peaceful presence; so I had to choose which voice to listen to. I had to choose either to believe His Word as it is written, as He answers me, or stay in my fear that He won't be faithful to me when I do return? Or because of my shame I am fearful He won't want me back? 
     You see, when you put your trust in another human, you get disappointed, you get hurt; you sin. Sin then takes root if we do not heed the voice of God. That sin then leads to another sin, until eventually, that conviction from God telling you to turn around, to go in the right direction this time- it will eventually stop. Eventually, you will never hear it again. 
      God does not desire that any should perish. He wants all to come to the knowledge of Him. But even He has limits. Even He knows when to walk away and dust off His shoes. Jesus taught us this truth as well, giving us an example of how we are to walk. Trusting in Him because He is trustworthy. What we cannot seem to understand is that Jesus was showing us how to conquer this sin of people pleasing; seeking the approval of others.
     Seeking approval, seeking to please are a part of our human nature. We were created to be in relationship with God, and with one another. But sin crept in and turned our focus onto ourselves and onto others. Adam and Eve saw each others nakedness and shame came upon them. It is not wrong to have relationships (I am NOT talking about sexual intercourse, adultery, fornication, sexual immorality, etc. I am talking about basic everyday relationships with the people you encounter; spouses, children, co-workers, etc. Lust is not love. Your flesh seeks lust, but we are to seek love.) What happens is we allow these relationships to follow our path, instead of God's. We seek to make others happy, hoping that by doing so, they will, in turn- make us happy. Which, by the way- will never happen. The happiness you seek is only found in Jesus. 

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      Jesus teaches us that every idle word we speak we will give an account for. (Matthew 12:36)  What I am learning is that I will not only be held accountable to God at judgement; but I am held accountable every single day. For instance, someone makes a promise to you, but they break it, they do not fulfill it. Is that person trustworthy? No, of course not. Then why do you keep opening up to them? Why do you keep going back? If they prove untrustworthy, and come to you asking for forgiveness, yes, we are to forgive them. But one thing we forget is that sooner or later, God will require you to change that behavior. You can ask for forgiveness before God every single day for the rest of your life, but if you do not change the behavior and stop sinning, then you are not walking in true faith. Repentance means you confess the wrong behavior, recognize your sin before God, and don't keep going back to it. Step up and choose to go the right way this time. 
     Let me ensure you, because no knows this truth better than me- make sure you are walking according to His word. Don't go wiping the dust off your feet just yet- make sure your hands are not dirty too.  You are and you will be held accountable for you. Make no mistake about that. That is why Jesus teaches us to make our "yes be yes and our no be no". (Matthew 5:37) Be a human being with integrity. If you do this, He will honor you and bless those around you. 
     I write all these many words in the hopes that you were blessed, in the hopes that you too can look up and see the ladder of Grace waiting to pull you up (He will even send an elevator if you'd rather not take the stairs! Ha!) You do not have to stay in that pit. Remember my friend, you have Hinds Feet, Armor forged in the blood of Jesus Christ; put out your hand and believe. 
     No one understand what Paul meant more than I do when he wrote, "I am the chief of sinners" (1 Timothy 1:15) I have walked a long, hurtful and unhappy road far too long. It's time for me to come back home. So, here I am. Me, just me. No masks, no desire to please anyone by my Lord and my King. And that....that is enough for me. Amen?