I
have a billion things I need to be doing right now, but I can’t get them done
till I get this off my chest. Perhaps this is the cowardly way out, or perhaps
this is the only way I can truly express myself. Writing for me is much easier
than talking, but you can decide which one you want to believe. I am writing
this (call it what you will) letter, or whatever you want to call it for my friends,
family and anyone else who happens along it.
My
dearest friends,
You are my friends because through
all my ups and downs, you have stood by me, you have prayed for me, you have
anointed my head with oil. You are my friends, and I ask one more time, stand
by me, and pray for me; for this decision I am making may be hard for you to
understand.
First and foremost, let me explain
how I arrived at this decision. After much praying, seeking His guidance and
His voice, I realized two things about myself and about the relationship I was
in. Two things that led me to believe this decision was and is God’s best for
me.
I do not want to be alone. Many have
told me that I need to learn to be by myself. Let me just say this, no one knows
how to be alone like me. For 16 years I lived in a separate part of the house,
came and went as I chose, and rarely spoke to the man downstairs. We were
roommates, not husband and wife.
Many of you who know me, know that I
was always traveling, hiking and biking all over the place- alone. When I met {M}
(name will remain private) he filled that companionship, and friendship that I
craved. He is the one I wanted to be with, fish with, hike with and whatever
else we could do as long as we did it together.
What I realized; what the Lord
showed me, was that it is not good for “man” (nor woman) to be alone. He
created us to have relationships, companionship and so much more. I was ready
for that, and I wanted that. That was the first step.
“Trust in the Lord with all your
heart and lean not unto your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge
Him and He will direct your paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6
The relationship was a bust because
of both of us- not just him; and not just me. My part was my fear. My fear of pouring
my life into a man who, eventually, decided I was not worth his effort anymore.
That was 16 years ago, but the fear was still there.
However, here was a man, who I hoped,
could be the one for me. But we both lacked integrity with one another. We
needed to grow up. The only way to do that was to focus our attention on the
Lord. Work out our own salvation in fear and trembling. Then, if God so wills,
we will come together again- but on a much firmer foundation.
Now, let me say this- yes, he has
said this before and did not follow through. But neither did I. This time
however, the Lord reminded me to not give up. When I wrote my first book, “Winning
Him Without A Word”, I was hoping my x-husband would be the one to be won. I
thought he was won at one time, but it became more and more obvious that he
wasn’t. It was never a true heart change. But {M} has changed. Something in him
has changed. Not to go into detail, but for the first time I am confident that
he has been truly saved. He is becoming a new creation. He was the one God had
me win- he was the one I wrote the book for.
But the doubt still clung to my
mind. “What if?” kept clouding my thoughts. “What if this time is just like the
other times? What if I regret this decision?” But that is not trusting God.
That is not faith, and we know that it is impossible to please God without faith.
So obviously, this doubtful thinking is not of God. If we know it will not
please God, then do not do it. Do not follow down that path. Whether it be a
thought, or an action, or a goal- whatever it is. If it will not be pleasing to
God, then it is not of faith. Doubt is not God’s best for you.
I also realized that these thoughts
led to accusing thoughts. Bringing up all his past sins that I said I had
forgiven him for. Remember my friends, the accuser of our brethren is who? It
is the enemy. Accusing thoughts, bringing up past sins (whether yours or his)
is a tactic of the enemy to get us off the path God has prepared for us. Accusing thoughts are not Christlike thoughts.
That was when I realized that I
needed to trust God and take that leap of faith one more time. Instead of
thinking “What if?” He was showing me to think like Him, because- “He Will”.
Here comes the coward part. I have moved back to Goldsboro, to be with{M}. God
my Father, and your Father, I truly believe, showed me a glimpse of the future
ahead of me, and I have to trust Him.
Those who helped me, I am forever
indebted to you. To my friend who let me stay with her; may God bless you
abundantly for your generous and giving heart. Please forgive me if I have
tread upon your kindness in anyway.
To everyone who reads this, friends
and family, let me say one last thing. It may seem like the impossible; but let
us remember to be strengthened with the knowledge that,
“With God ALL things are Possible.”
Matthew 19:26
Your
Sister and Servant in Christ
Stephane
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