* I wasn't going to post this, I was going to scrap it. But, it needs to be spoken. It needs to be heard. Regrets Heal.
I am where I am because of the choices I have made. No one, not even God, forced me to be here. I chose this road. I chose this life. He knew I was going to choose it, and He allowed me to go down it. Even though I have sinned, yet He has not forgotten me. This is my testimony of Regret. This is the truth of my life these past three years, written down in the hopes that someone will hear me and not choose the same road. And for those who have regrets, I pray that these words will give you encouragement to rise above the regrets and grow stronger because you lived through them. Regrets Heal, my friend.
August 3rd, 2017, I walked away from my 23 year marriage. I had been home to Iowa just a few weeks prior to this. It was in Iowa, sitting with my best friend, sister, rock of truth who knows me better than anyone that spoke to my soul and gave me the strength to do what I did- get a divorce.
Travelling to Iowa by myself was something I did yearly, still do if I am able to. My ex-husband and I lived separate lives for 16 years, this was not an unusual occurance for us. My children were grown, and it was just me, my Jesus, friends and church. That was my life. I tried to make the best of every situation, but there were nights where I would lay upon my bed and cry, tears of loneliness streaming down my face as I prayed and asked the Lord why I was not good enough.
I will never forget the words my sister spoke to me. They changed my life. I just wish I had listened sooner. I am a hard headed woman! We were sitting at her house, getting ready to go out and have a girls night together. She is one of the very few people I am completely open with. She is one of the three people in my life I am not guarded with. She knows everything and anything about me. She's known me for 33 years. I trust her and can be unguarded with her. She is a breath of life to my weary soul.
She patiently listened as I poured out my heart, my hurt and all the years of loneliness I had felt these past 23 years. She saw it, but she loved me enough to be there until I saw it. That's what sisterhood is. Patient to love one another, and support one another no matter the choices we make. After I finished talking, she asked me a question. The question that changed my life.
"When are you going to stop living your life for everyone else and start living your life?"
Those words resonate through my soul every day. She was right, and she is right. When? When am I going to stop living my life to make others happy, and start living my life for me? You see, there were many opportunities for me to leave my marriage. But I chose to stay. I chose to stay to keep my kids happy. Then I stayed because it was what the church expected of me. I was this successful Christian woman who had a blog, wrote a book about having an unbelieving husband, how could I disappoint so many people?
But somewhere, in the process of trying to meet everyone's expectations of me, I lost me. I lost who I was. I wasn't good enough for my ex-husband, so I arrived to be good enough for everyone else. I became everything everyone said I should be,instead of searching for who HE said I was created to be. I put on a good face. I did everything right. I was the perfect "Christian".
I was a hypocrite. That's what that was- hypocrisy. Any time we seek to please man above God, we have become hypocrites. Jesus called us white washed tombs. That's all I was. I do pray, however, that even though I was blind; perhaps God was still able to inspire and bless many, in spite of my hypocrisy. God sees and knows the motives of our hearts. Trust me I know!
All I ever wanted for my life, and still want for my life, is to be free. Free to be the woman God has created me to be. Not who everyone thinks I should be. But choices I have made have restrained me; tied me down, and I have no one to blame but me.
After my friend spoke those words to me, I began to seek out what I wanted, what was best for me. I was good at covering my emotions; I had to be. My ex-husband didn't like emotions, so I learned how to keep them inside until I was alone. It's how I learned to be a guarded girl.
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| The Mississippi River July 2017 |
I came home from Iowa and spent the next two weeks preparing to leave. On August 3rd my ex-husband was notified that our marriage was over. He wasn't surprised. In fact, he told our children that he was just glad one of us finally made the decision to do it. We were both miserable.
The choices I made afterwards; oh how I regret them. But I chose them, I lived them and I am still suffering the consequences of them.
Do not be decieved: God is not mocked. Whatsoever a man sows, that he will also reap.
Galatians 6:7 ESV
One nugget I hope you can take from this blog is this- regrets heal. Put them into the hands of your Father in heaven. He can make something beautiful and amazing out of them. He can make you beautiful once again. Regrets heal.
When I walked away from my marriage, I also walked away from everything I was. I stopped going to church. I stopped listening to "Christian" music and everything else that it entailed. Unfortunately, I walked away from God too. I started drinking pretty heavily again, going out and partying like I was 20 something again. I made bad decisions and wrong choices. I began building a stairway of regrets.
My business fell apart and every ounce of money I had, I poured into it. But to no avail. I had no other option but to close. No matter how hard I tried I just couldn't make a go of it. One of the many regrets I have had to place in His grace-filled hands.
I found myself having to look for work. I needed to eat and I needed a roof over my head. I had no other choice. So, I did what I had to do to survive. I found a good job. Unfortunately, it was an hour commute each way. I was not myself during this time of my life. To be honest, I'm not really sure who that person was. It was not me, but I am still learning who she is, and who she doesn't want to be. I had lived my life for so many years to be the Stephane everyone said I was, that I never took the time to find that out on my own.
I was empty. I was lonely. My life was not what I thought it would be. The separation was not easy. My ex-husband made life difficult for me. We fought. Our lawyers fought, it was not a pleasant time for me. I was empty because I had walked away from the Only One Who has ever truly loved me. I felt like I had restrained my life for so many years to please everyone else, that it was finally time for me.
But, in these past few months; of sorting through and searching my soul, my biggest regret is walking away from Him. Jesus is and always will be my Husband. I belong to Him, and to Him alone do I live this life. I regret not believing this sooner. But, I thank God that regrets heal.
Here I was- lost, alone and looking for anything and anyone to fill the void that I had chose to have. That's when it happened. The other biggest regret of my life. I met him. It was like everything I ever thought I wanted was wrapped up in him. Unfortunately, I was blinded by the trappings of sin. In the end. It was all lies, deception and more regret than I thought I could bear. Truth is that no man can ever replace the Lord of my heart. It is His throne and I pray I never forget it again.
I have asked the Lord to search me, to know what it was that made me fall for him. What made me believe I could ever love anyone as much as I love Him? His answer - flesh, sin. The desire to feel loved, whole, and worthy. It is in every single one of us. But we fail to see that it can only be found in Him.
I chose to get involved with this man, despite the warnings from my friends. I was not divorced yet, and yes - I sinned. I was lonely and struggling and he said all the right things. He looked at me like I was the most beautiful woman on the planet, but how he acted was different. For the first time in 16 years, someone paid attention to me. So I followed down the path of sin and have ended up with nothing but regrets. I regret the fact that I fell for lies again. I regret the fact that I allowed myself to be pulled in by deciet and manipulation...all over again. I left that once already, how did I end up in it again?
For the next year we would fight, I would leave, and he would use fear, manipulation and play the victim over and over again. Somehow it was always my fault for the broken promises, and it was my fault he was acting towards me the way he did. God forgive me for believing in him as much as I did. He is one of the biggest regrets I have to live with. But praise God; Regrets Heal!
He had a business and he wanted me to become partners with him. We were going to get married and spend the rest of our lives building this business and building a life in the process. At least, that is what he said. So I took a chance, and left my job. I had a car that I was paying for and was agreed upon in the settlement of my divorce that I would keep making the payments on it. He promised me that he would take care of me. My bills would be paid, we would be 50/50. He lied. He manipulated me, and not once did he keep a promise he made to me. I am positive that if you were to ask him about us, he would be innocent and tell you that all I wanted was his money. When you ask him about why his other marriages failed, he will tell you the same things. It was them, they only wanted him for his money. But in the end, he proved that was all that mattered to him.
The more I gave of myself to him, the more he took. The more he hurt me and made it so I was solely dependent on him. At one point in our relationship, I begged him for an allowance. I begged that he let me have a small amount of money each week to buy a few personal things. He said he would. One more promise that he never kept. Even though I did most the work for the business, I never saw a cent from him. He pitched a fit one day and made me feel like a useless piece of garbage all because he didn't want to pay for my car again. Which he had only made one payment for it, and then he made sure it got taken away. Another promise he never kept. My friends, family and even some of his friends and family told me to run away- get away from him. But did I listen? Nope. I tried harder to please him, to make him happy, but I never did.
I gave him everything I had, yet he couldn't do the same in return. It was in May of 2019 that I saw the man he truly was. It was 5:00a.m and I had just woke up. I saw missed calls and texts from my son's girlfriend. My son was in a head on collision and was being rushed to the trauma unit of the ER. I was in a panic. Rushing around and flying through the house to get ready. But not him. He took his time. We finally left the house, but he had to stop here, stop there. All I wanted to do was get to my son, to see his face and to hold him in my arms. But it was all about him. It wasn't his son - so it wasn't important to him.
He would make me feel like I couldn't live life without him. Truly he made sure I couldn't. It was his house, his car, his business, his money, his, his, his. I should be grateful for him loving me the way he did, or so he said. I have no one to blame but myself for believing in such a man as that. I was that silly woman swept away by every whim! Oh, how much I regret ever meeting him.
Even at the hospital, while my son is laying in his bed, he made it about him. I didn't look for him when I should have. I didn't want to spend time with him. If I was not giving him all of my attention, then I was not loving him. (Yes. Narcissistism in it's truest form!) That day I realized that he was not the man I thought he was, and nothing in me ever wanted to love him again. I shut my heart off that day, and nothing he could have said or done would have opened it up again.
During this time of trials with my son, my daughter was pregnant. She had just been through a miscarriage and they put her at high risk again. My children needed me, and it bothered him. He would find a way to make my day so miserable whenever I would spend time with them. God forbid I gave anyone more attention then him!
It was the Tuesday after mother's day when I finally decided that it was time to do what I should have done all those months ago. If you ask me how many kids I have, I will always reply with 13. I have two that I have birthed, and 11 I have been "mom" to for over 20 years. The Lord has blessed me with a quiver full of children, and through them He is adding grandchildren! On our first date I told him about all my kids, I should have seen it then, but I didn't. In the end, he could have cared less.
I had just gotten back from Raleigh. It was about 6 in the evening. I had spent all day with my daughter getting test after test done on her and baby. I will never forget the look in his eyes when I walked in. I could see it. I could see the jealousy seething out of him. I was his and he wanted to make sure I knew it. I did what he asked and tried to keep the peace as best I could. I had been through a lot with my children in those few weeks, but all he could see was his needs. Oh dear Lord how much I regret him!
My phone went off and I looked at it. It was one of my "kids". He had forgotten Mother's Day and wanted to make sure I knew he didn't forget me. He just lost track of his days. I tried to have a conversation with him, but everytime I looked at my phone, he would get upset. He even went so far as to accuse this kid I had raised, and provided a home for while his parents went through some tough life situations; he had the audacity to accuse my "son" of wanting to be with me! Can you believe that?! Of all the things he had done, that for me was the final straw. I did what I had to do to get away from him.
Thank God I still had a few friends that were willing to help me. I do not know where I would be without them. I thank God for their prayers and for not letting me give up on Him. He has used them to be my shields, my strength and the voices of encouragement I needed to hear. I finally left for good on May 16, 2019. It was the day I finally listened to my friends words and started to live for me.
It wasn't easy. That man made my life a living hell day after day. Threats, manipulation and every game he could play he tried to use against me. He even took me to court and sued me for what money I was able to secure. But, in the end, God is the true Giver of Justice, and His word is true. Whatsoever a man sows, that he will also reap. That man will face God one day. There won't be any games or excuses left for him to play.
The day I had to face him in court, the Lord God gave me this verse in Isaiah.
no weapon that is fashioned against you shall succeed,
and you shall refute every tongue that rises against you in judgment.
This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord
and their vindication is from me, declares the Lord.”
I was not perfect; I also sinned. But for many months now I have hated myself for ever believing in that man. He is one of my biggest regrets, but I thank my God for showing me that regrets heal when I hand them over to Him. I thought that verse in Isaiah meant that I would win the suit and he would lose, but that is not what happened. I lost. He won. But I was looking at it through the eyes of man. God has shown me that in the end- his tactics didn't work. Because, in the end; I am the one who won. I walked away victorious, because I am free of him.
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No weapon formed against me shall prosper, because in the end God is not, nor will He ever be mocked. Amen! I am finally free. And him? Well, I don't really care. The lessons I am learning and this life I am living far outweigh the regrets I have of being with him. He is dust that I shook off my feet. He is but chaff in the wind.
One thing is true. He did not break me. My sin did not destroy me. God, my God, has made sure of that! This life I am living is hard. I struggle every single day to make ends meet. But I am doing it. I am living the life I want to live; a life free to choose Him. That man may have taken everything away from me he could, but one thing he can never take from me is my determination to live.
I may not like the circumstances I find myself in, but He has me right where I need to be, it's the best place for me. If there is one thing I can comfort you with my friend, one thing I can encourage you with; don't ever give up on Him. It may look hopeless, you may be broke like I am, but no matter what, don't you ever walk away from your God. Don't you ever give up on Him. He will never give up on you. I have regrets. But I also have peace. I have joy. I have mercy. I have Him. In then end- I am the one who is free.
Take a nugget from me; you will have regrets and you will sin; but He is the healer of all our regrets. Rest. Trust. Abide in Him. There is no other way to live the life you were meant to live. You won't find what you are looking for in a man. You won't find it in church. You won't find it in your kids, your friends or anything else upon this Earth. All you seek can and will only be found in Him. Place those regrets into His outstretched, nail pierced hands, and find the freedom to finally live. Amen?
May the God of all comfort give you peace, and may He heal the regrets of all your sins. By His Grace. By His Mercy. May you find your way back to Him. In Jesus Christ name, amen and amen.
amen, thank you sister. i feel like we are very similar in many ways lol and we are sharing seasons and almost life stories <3
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