Chapters of My Life: Alone With Him

     I like being alone. I like being able to go and do as I please without having to explain where I am going, why I am going and how long I will be gone. I like being able to come home from work, lock myself away from the world, and be alone with Him. I haven't always felt this way. For many years I struggled with the feelings of loneliness. Let's face it, I was in a loveless marriage. He lived in  one part of the house, I lived in another. For over 16 years I lived alone so to speak. Once my kids moved out, I travelled to Iowa to visit my family by myself, I went on weekends to see my friend in South Carolina by myself.; trips to the beaches, mountains, wherever I wanted. I would be gone for days, weeks and even months at a time, usually only checking in once a week to make sure he was still alive and had plenty of food and supplies to get him through until I was home again.
 

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 Since the children were gone there wasn't really anything to keep me there. He was not a believer, I was. Our marriage was only a marriage for the sake of our children; once they were gone, what was the point? I won't go into any further details about that, because in the end, God knew, God saw, and God prepared a way. That is all that matters.
     Not long after my ex-husband and I separated, I found myself struggling with loneliness. I had struggled with it many times in my past, even being married for 23 years- I still felt very lonely at times. I used to pray and ask God to help me fill up this loneliness; to help me overcome it. I would find things to do to fill up those lonely spaces so I didn't have to face them. But He still answered my prayer. I just took the long way around to get there. I had to learn a very hard lesson this past year, and it is not until today that I can honestly say, I will not struggle with loneliness anymore. I won't let that weakness deter me from His purpose for me.
     Martha and Mary; we all know the scriptures about these two sisters. We have heard sermons preached, read books written about them, and studied these two sisters over and over. Luke tells us that Jesus enters Mary and Martha's home (Luke 10:38-42); Martha is busy getting things done. Her Lord and Savior is here, she has to serve. But Martha gets frustrated with her sister Mary who to her, is sitting on her butt doing a whole lot of nothing. She complains to Jesus to tell her sister to get up and help her. But Jesus replies to Martha in the most loving way and says, "Martha, Martha, you are worried and troubled about many things. But one thing is needed, and Mary has chosen that good part, which will not be taken away from her.” (Luke 10:41-42)
     My whole life I have been dependent upon someone. I was dependent on my parents to provide for me, and love me. After that, I was dependent upon the relationships I had. I always felt like I had to do what was expected of me, when all I really wanted to do was what I needed the most. I just wanted Jesus. One thing I see in Mary is something I want to see in me. Mary is content. She stopped caring about what other people thought (including her sister) and sat down at the feet of Jesus. There is no mention of Martha or Mary having husbands, only a brother. So it is possible that they were either young and not married yet, or widowed. But both of them were dependent upon Lazarus, their brother, for their daily life needs. In my personal opinion, {This is what I believe God is showing me, please, go and study this on your own.}, I think Martha was worried and troubled about who was going to take care of them if their brother died, or perhaps she was getting up there in the years and was never going to be married- that would have been a bad thing back in those days!  But that is what Jesus was trying to help Martha (and me) see. Mary knew Who took care of them, and she chose Him.
     Martha was not looking at Jesus as Savior, Provider and Helper. She was looking at Him as a man, a teacher, but not her Lord. She couldn't see past the worry and fears to see the True Love of her life. But Mary did. She saw Him and she sat at His feet. Mary knew that her only hope was sitting there before her. What I am beginning to understand is that I am meant to be alone. I am not meant to be with anyone. I do not want to be dependent upon anyone else for my daily survival, because in the end, God alone is the only One who provides for any of us. We have because He has given. We receive because He has gifted it to us. We have nothing outside of Him. Mary understood this, that is why she went to Him. She had no one over her in the earthly sense, but that didn't matter to her, because she had Jesus, and that was enough for her.
     For some reason, it took me a very long time to learn this lesson, and I pray every day that the Lord God gives me strength to keep learning it. (As long as it takes; Lord Jesus, as long as it takes.) Martha was worried and troubled because she was not content with her situation. That is what happens to me, that is why I stumble and find myself struggling with loneliness. I start to get worried, troubled, and fearful that I am not going to make it on my own. I start to worry about finances, how am I going to pay for this, what if this happens...? But Jesus reminds me that He is right here with me. He reminds me of how far He has brought me, and the wonderful blessings He has given me along the way.
     He reminds me of His constant provision, and as I look at the birds of the air, and how He cares for them; and He reminds me of how much greater His love is me. I want to be Mary. I want to sit at the feet of my Savior and rest in the knowledge that He who has begun this work in me will complete it. (Philippians 1:6) I have nothing to fear; not even loneliness. No matter what happens He is with me. He is my Husband, He is my Head and all I need to do is remember that only One that is needed, is Him. It is not easy, I will admit it. For years I struggled with loneliness and at times I still do. But that is slowly going away and I am beginning to enjoy the quiet, peaceful joy I get every time I sit alone with Him.
     I have never like being dependent upon anyone, so learning to be fully dependent upon God my Father for every need I have is proving to be difficult. I want to jump ahead and do this or that, thinking I will help. But He lovingly tells me to be Patient; wait on Him. He is working all things together for my good. Those desires of my heart that I have, He is working it all out, all I need to do is choose the One that is needful.
     All throughout the Bible we are told to pray without ceasing, to bring our needs before God and lay them at His feet. We are encouraged to seek Him for everything, and above everything and everyone else. Jesus tells us that we have no need to worry or stress about what we are going to eat, or what we are going to wear. He reminds us that our heavenly Father knows we have needs and He has never let us go without yet. (Matthew 6:25-34 NKJV)  He can and He does fulfill every single need I have. Even my loneliness.
     I have had many people tell me over the years that it is not normal for a woman to be alone. Every woman needs love, and affection and to be taken care of. But to be completely honest- and as transparent as I can be- I am not that kind of woman. I thought I was. I thought I had to be. I thought that is what I was supposed to be. The perfect Christian wife, mother, servant and friend. But the struggle I have is that in he end, I really like to be alone. I thought I needed companionship in that way- but I don't. All I need is to be Alone with Him.

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     That is why I truly believe that God is calling me to a celibate life; a single life, a Single woman committed fully to the Lord. That is why I have chosen this road for myself, and if you are reading this, and feel like God has called you to this same path; may I give you a simple piece of advice- don't let anyone tell you its not the right path, don't let anyone talk you out of it. Because for some of us, it is the right path. For me, personally, I know without a doubt, that I am to be His and His alone. His feet are the only feet I am to sit at for the rest of my life. I serve Him, and He will always make a way for me.
     Mary understood this simple truth, and her worry and fears were no more. I want to be like Mary. I want to choose the One thing that is needed, and that is Jesus Christ my Lord. I have struggled in the past with this because of my flesh. My flesh gets lonely, my flesh wants attention. But God is showing me that the loneliness I feel is sin, wanting to tempt me, to draw me away from Him. It is an area of weakness in my life; a door for sin to creep in and give the enemy the win. But, if I continue to Listen, Obey and Walk out what He is showing me, then this weakness will become a strength. It won't be easy, but the narrow path never is. There will be trials, temptations and distractions along the way. But He promises me that if I continue to delight myself in Him, then He will give me the desires of my heart- which is one day to live with Him. He has never left me, and He will never leave you. I wandered, and I fell, and I stumbled many times, but now I know I am right where I belong. Alone with Him. Amen.