Back to Iowa I Go

I do not like living in Iowa. Especially this time of year. For me, even North Carolina is becoming too cold for my bones. I need warmer weather, sunny beaches and wide open spaces. I have never really liked living in Iowa. Even as a kid I couldn’t wait to get out. And I did get out. I have officially lived in North Carolina longer than I ever lived in Iowa. So, now, here I  go- back to Iowa. Why? Good question.

Picture of me on the banks of the
Mississippi
River- 2 yrs ago 

  Let me try to explain it as best I can. Iowa motivates me. Because it is cold, and (to me, personally) a little slow, I  get motivated to get my life right. It motivates me to re-evaluate myself, my life, my choices, and make definite decisions for my life. Iowa motivates me to take an inward look at myself and get before God in total transparency. I do not know why Iowa does that for me, but it does. It takes the doubt and the confusion away and gets me pointed in the right direction  again.

You see, I have a deep desire to know whether or not I am truly meant to be alone. Let me explain. For many years, after becoming a Christian, I used to tell women that God was my husband. I was married to an unbeliever at the time, so I put myself under God’s authority. About 20 years ago I left my husband and my children and went back to Iowa. I lived up there and worked up there for about 3 or 4 months. I had a job, an apartment, food in my belly and a fire in the old wood stove. What more could I ask for? My children. Being apart from  my children killed me. So, I chose to come back to North Carolina, raise them, and then, if things were still troublesome between my husband at the time and myself, we would divorce. That is what we did. But all throughout those years I wondered what it would have been like, had I stayed and really pursued what I wanted.

So, I left my husband, I started out again. I had a business, a place to stay, but I was barely making enough to eat, let alone live. My business fell apart, I had to get a job. I had responsibilities, commitments and promises made to fulfill. I had no other choice. I got a job. Then I met him.

He truly is everything I prayed for. Well, mostly everything. (Let’s face it- no one is perfect). But him- well, in my eyes he comes pretty close. I took a chance and put my well being into his hands. Needless to say, there was one problem. No matter how hard he tried, I could not always submit. Now, don’t go getting all upset and commenting on women’s lib, or telling me what you believe. I have the right to tell you what I believe. If that offends you- that is between you and God; not me and you. We can, as human beings, agree to disagree.

I can’t submit. When it comes to what I truly believe God has told me, showed me, and confirmed to me over and over again, I will not submit to any other belief. Even to the man God has placed in authority over me. To me, that is rebellion to God and rebellion to my husband. (*Just a side note, a topic for another blog, another time- to me, when I say he is my “husband” I mean that we were not married in the eyes of the law {state of North Carolina} but in the eyes of God we were. For now, let us focus on the true matter at hand, and I will, I promise write about this topic at another time. Thank you)

For me to commit myself again and again to someone I would not willingly submit to; broke my heart. Because I could not go against God. So I chose to leave. The reason why I am so strong in what I believe I am doing is right, is because to me, there is another possible path that I am supposed to take. And until I take it and see for myself, I will always question and wonder, and even come to regret possibly if I don’t. That is not good for any marriage, or any relationship. So, I have to know what is on the other side of the fence.

I have to know for myself if I am supposed to be with someone, serving God and married/committed to one another. Or, am I to be alone. Wholly committed to God alone, in body, soul and spirit. Never to have another relationship of that kind, ever again? Because you see, the struggle I  am having, and the reason I am moving back to Iowa is because of the latter- the living alone without a relationship ever again is more appealing to me. If I am truly meant to be with someone, then shouldn’t being with them be more appealing? So you see, there is a struggle within me; and until I know, until I have lived and learned all God has for me to learn, I won’t know which one to choose; I need to know which greener grass I am to choose.

I do not ask for you to understand my choices, or my actions. I do not ask you to stand for me or against me. I only ask that you pray for me, for with me, and trust God the Father, who holds us all in the palm of His gracious hands. Ephesians 2:10 is my favorite verse. It is the verse that propels me to make choices and trust that God has prepared this way for me.

My sole purpose and goal in this life is to say “I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith”  (2 Timothy 4:7) That is my goal in this life, my ultimate goal. My desires, my dreams are to be financially free, living in a peaceful environment where I can be me; where I can be the human God wants me to be. That is all I want. That is what I  seek. If it is with someone, then God will show me that. If it is to be alone, then God will show me that too.

Let's Go Hawks! 

I stand on top of a fence. I have on the left, a life with a man I deeply love, admire and cherish, and on the right a life of peaceful contentment living with God as my only authority.  I have tried the left, and it didn’t seem to ever want to work out; so now I have to try the right; I have to go back to the only place I know where I can gain clarity. I have to step off the other side of the fence and try that pasture out, before I can know, without doubt, which side of the fence I belong on. I hope this makes sense. And I pray that God, who in His great and glorious way, will give you wisdom and truth to find your way too.

To Him be honor, and praise and glory, now and forever, Amen and Amen.