The Wanderings of a Woman's Mind

I am going to write a book. I am going to start it here on my blog. I am going to write about me. I am going to write down each day (Lord Willing!) the road map to how I obtained true happiness. I am going to title it "The Wanderings of a Woman's Heart". You are welcome to follow along on this journey with me, or if not, may this one post bless you. 

I started a new journey 4 nights ago when I walked out of a relationship I thought I wanted.  He is a loving and kind man, but he had his faults too. Unfortunately for him, his faults were to hard for me to overlook. So, I left. 
I know, I know- That sounds pretty arrogant, doesn't it? I mean, "he had faults but they were too hard for me to overcome?" Yeah, does sound pretty arrogant. But, whether you want to admit it or not- truth is truth. Unless we are willing to accept the absolute truth about ourselves, we will never be able to learn, grow and change. We have to look within first and accept responsibility for our faults. Admitting the sin is the first step in overcoming the sin.
So why then were his faults so hard to overlook? Why couldn't I overlook them? Because, I realized something about myself - unless someone desires to "level-up" with me I could not go any farther with them. 
He came close, closer than anyone ever has, but in the end, I found myself making excuses for my unhappiness. I started to compromise who I was for the sake of being in a relationship and keeping my word. It wasn't his fault he had faults, for heaven's sake- we all have faults! The problem wasn't him, it was me. I  had done it again. 
I let my emotions deter me from my purpose, and he just got caught in the middle of it. 
When I met him, I was still adjusting to being separated from my x-husband. I was at a very low point in my life. I felt like the whole world was against me. I lost my business, I found myself in debt I couldn't pay, working at a job 45 minutes away. And that was just so I could have enough to pay my bills and hopefully buy food. (I went hungry many times) 
That is why when he walked in and began speaking to me, I was drawn in. I was at my weakest. My self- esteem was at it's weakest. That is why when his compliments, and his attention were directed towards me, I was drawn in. That is when they had their biggest impact on me. 
One thing I have learned (the hard way!) is this: Emotions are not our friends! Emotion leads us down harsh and hurtful paths- like sin, it starts out feeling good, but in the end someone always gets hurt. Emotions are not our friends! 
To cut a long story short, I found myself asking the question- "Can you do this {speaking of the relationship I was in} for another 23 years?" All I could ever answer was no. Believe me, we were not exactly having this love affair /Hollywood style love story- we were having issues. They began back in June and began escalating more and more. We had serious issues. It just took me a while to realize that I was not able to give 23 years to another man who no longer stimulated my mind, nor gave me the emotional support I needed. I was not able to overcome the faults I saw. So, I left. 
It was not his fault. He tried. But, if you are like me, once that emotion is gone, the switch goes off and there is no way to turn it back on. I used to watch the TV series, "The Vampire Diaries" (yeah, I know- not an appropriate TV show for a Christian- but neither is some of the stuff you watch- so don't judge.) In the Vampire Diaries, there is this one gift/ curse they all have. The ability to turn off the humanity switch. The switch that makes you feel and experience emotion. I think I have that gift/curse. 
Once I get to a certain point, once I have been broken down one too many times, you flip that switch and any emotion you felt goes away. Gone, baby gone. This is how it feels for me. If that is wrong, arrogant or displeasing to God to think and act this way, then I pray He will give me the wisdom to discern and stop this thinking. Giving Him the authority over my thoughts.
Take Every Thought Captive! 
To summarize my wandering thoughts, and bring this long winded rambling to close. I have initiated a decree into my life. Some call it a theme, some call it goals, but me, I am going to call it my Decree.  This is my purpose, this is my goal; This is my Decree: 

 "To find true happiness. To find my path and purpose for which I was created. I will obtain if I do not deter. To live and move and have my being in His. That is the true goal of life."
Ephesians 2:10