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Sticks and stones my break my
bones, but your words have wounded me. My heart has been hurt by someone I
thought was my brother, my fellow laborer in Christ. We spent years together,
working and serving side by side. But then the bonds became broken and my heart
was ripped from my chest by the words of the man who was supposed to be my
friend. Finding my way to forgiveness for this man has been difficult. I thought
I had forgiven, and then something will bring the memory of that event into my
thoughts and all the pain and bitterness come crashing back in. I would like to
say to you today that I have completely and wholeheartedly forgiven him for
what happened, but I haven’t. There is this bitterness that has settled down in
me and I must get it out. I must bring it before my King and lay it down, once
and for all, at His feet.
What I am about to write to you is
a confession of the wounds my heart has suffered in the hopes that I can
finally, once and for all, move on. I have moved on somewhat, but I still feel
like this baggage is hanging on me and I need to let it go. I need to walk away
and stop picking it back up. I need to find a way to completely and utterly
forgive. People whom I thought loved me, have hurt me deeply and it is time
that I confess my wounds so that I can let these sticks and stones die.
A little over three years ago I was
part of a body of believers who said they loved me. Every Sunday they would hug
me, tell me how much they loved me; they were as much a part of my daily life
as I was of theirs. We worked and served alongside one another day after day,
striving to build a church and further the kingdom of God. Neither of my
children are walking with the Lord. Both my son and daughter used to go to
church, but there was never a true heart change in either one of them. When it
came time for them to choose to either follow Christ or follow the world,
sadly, they followed the world. Every single person who attended this church
knew that my children were not walking with the Lord. Yet, because of the
choices my son made I was asked to step down out of leadership. I was asked to
sit down so someone else could take my place. Obviously, my son’s sins were my
fault and I didn’t deserve to be in leadership because of it. My heart was
ripped from my chest and a hole was left in its place.
There was this moment in time that
I remember thinking that this was all a dream. As I was sitting there,
listening to the words of my friend and co-laborer speak to me his reasons for
asking me to step down, I remember thinking it was a dream. He knew my heart
for this ministry, he knew my love for Christ, we had been walking side by side
for years, yet the things he was saying was like he didn’t know me at all! That
night a man I considered a dear friend chose to speak words that wounded me to
my core. How could one of my own family, one of the people who had been by my
side through so many trials, tests and troubles be so cruel? I left that church
office, went home and cried upon my bed all night.
I will never forget that 4:00 a.m.
wake up call from the Lord. I had spent the night crying and weeping upon my
bed, tossing and turning at the events, trying to make sense of the pain that
was left in my chest. The question “Why” being left unanswered. Hurt, wounded
and angry over all the things that he had said, I heard the voice of my Savior
come over me and I felt a peace that surpassed all understanding as He spoke
these words to me,
“And we know that all things work
together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according
to His purposes.” Romans 8:28 NKJV
I pulled myself out of bed and went
to my prayer journals. Page after page I read my prayers to God for my son and
the situation we were faced with. I prayed for wisdom, guidance and direction
on what to do. Day after day, written there for me to see and read were the
words of my God telling me what to do. And we were faithful to do it. God, in
all His wisdom, showed my son grace, and through it all, that was what He
called us to do as well, show him grace. My son needed to see grace and
experience grace. But some of those people who said they loved me, they couldn’t
see the grace of God, all they could see was their own opinion fueled by their
judgments.
As I went through the pages of my
prayer journal, in the scriptures and the words He had given me I saw His
divine hand, working and moving through it all. I was given a glimpse into the
heart of the man who hurt me most and just as he questioned my motives, the
Lord showed me his. He desired to move me and my husband from that ministry
because he liked someone else better. He had a desire to see someone else in
that role within the church, but I was too blinded to see it. But I saw it now,
and the hurt became even worse. Months before all this happened the Lord showed
me, through the slip of this man’s tongue, his motives and his desire to exalt
another in my place. I think it was this reality that hurt the most. It was
seeing his favoritism towards certain people that caused me the most pain.
This man chose to wound me so that
he could justify his reasons for promoting someone else in my place. Someone he
saw as a friend, a leader, someone he liked better than me. In the end, he hurt
me and no matter how much everyone tried to tell me he did it out of love, God
showed me the truth that day, and it caused a crater to appear where my heart
once was. I have learned many things since that fateful day, and the scripture
is true- all things do work together for good. Because when I look back now on
all the things that happened, I see God’s hand, moving and working to free me
from the deception that was hidden underneath it all.
This experience taught me to take
off my rose colored glasses and not be deceived again by the words and actions
of my fellow brothers and sisters. People will hurt you. People of leadership,
who have taken up the call to shepherd you can hurt you for their own selfish
gain. This experience has also taught me the meaning of sincere love. Peter
tells us that we are to have “sincere love of the brethren” and to “love one
another fervently with a pure heart.” (1 Peter 1:22) This whole experience has
made me see that those who claimed to love me did not really love me at all. It
was an outward love, a love that was not real because it did not withstand the
testing and trials of the fire.
A very small handful of people
still talked to me after we left. In the beginning many reached out to me, but
not a single one of them reached out to my husband. After a few weeks that wore
away too, and now the only time many of them call me or reach out to me is to
see if I will watch their dogs. True sincere love will walk with you through
the fire and it will withstand the heat. Only one or two of those relationships
still stand with me today, but they too have left that church because they saw
it for what it was and walked away too.
As I look back on these past three
years I can honestly and truly praise God for it all. Had He not allowed this
to happen so many things in my life would not have come to pass. I would not be
the woman I am today had I not gone through that much pain. I see His glory
through it all. But, the hurt is still there, the wound is healing, but it is
not fully healed. I am not sure that it will ever fully heal, there may always
be a scar left by the one whom I trusted. But maybe, by His grace, I can learn
to live in forgiveness day by day. People are going to hurt us, people we love
are going to wound us, but God, who knows what is best for us, will always
bring us through it. He is the One True Love that will walk through the fire and
stand in the midst of it with you, holding your hand, telling you it will be
okay.
As I write these words I am
reminded of Stephen in Acts 7:59-60. He just preached the truth of the gospel
to his fellow brothers and sisters, he lived a life of truth before them and
the people stoned him because of it. Those who did not want to see the grace
and truth of God stoned him, they wounded him, they killed him. But Stephen
does not take that bitterness to heaven with him. He leaves it in the dirt, in
the dust underneath the stones and keeps his eyes on Jesus, asking God to
forgive them. With my wounded heart I come my Lord, with my broken spirit I
cry, forgive them Lord, do not lay this sin upon them, forgive them Lord for so
do I.
“All things work together for good
to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purposes.”
Romans 8:28
Sticks and stones my break my bones, but your words no longer hurt me. I forgive you. Amen.
Sticks and stones my break my bones, but your words no longer hurt me. I forgive you. Amen.
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