“If momma ain’t happy, nobody’s happy.” I am sure most of us have heard this saying before, and if we were completely honest with one another- it is so true. When you are upset, everyone in your house seems to be in a bad mood. The Lord, in His wisdom, showed me this a few years ago. I was frustrated over something, and all I could do was complain. The Lord opened my eyes and saw that my frustration was spilling over into my children. They started acting out and getting into arguments, even my husband began to get upset at every little thing, and it all started with me.
“The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish pulls it down with her hands.” Proverbs 14:1.
I have been impressed upon by the Lord to fix my marriage. I have let it grow cold, I have allowed my words, actions and deeds to hurt the ones I love the most. We all have if we are being real with one another. We all could use some work in the areas of our marriage and our children. Even though my children are getting ready to fly the nest, I will always be their mother, and I will always be an example to them of Christ. As they grow older and marry and have children, the life that they lived with me and their dad will be a picture to them of how their life is to be lived with their spouses.
The Bible has a lot to say to us women about being good wives and mothers. I however, have not always been the best wife. Proverbs 14:1 tells us that we can either build our homes or we can tear them down. I see this as a picture of our marriages as well. My marriage is a house. It is a free standing building that has taken years to erect. Brick by brick we have built upon the foundation; trust, understanding, love, forgiveness and patience, just to name a few. We have weathered some storms and some floods, and it is still standing. But there are holes in my walls, cracks and leaks that need to be fixed. These cracks and leaks and holes have been created by me. These are the bricks I have taken down; I have cracked and let foolishness creep in.
“The wise woman cares for her home, causing it to flourish and become a haven to those who live there. She builds her home by making wise choices in her relationship with her husband and children. She works on her marriage, knowing that intimacy does not happen naturally but must be developed…A foolish woman destroys by her own efforts- with her hands, her tongue, her idleness and her lack of interest.” (Woman’s Study Bible NKJV)
We have a choice to either work on building that intimate relationship with our husbands, or we can choose the other path and tear him down. There have been many times, (and since my husband reads my blogs, he will appreciate my openness and prayerfully find forgiveness in his heart towards me) that I have allowed my words to tear my husband down. I have allowed the sharp edge of my tongue to get out of control and say things that I meant, but should have not said. I have allowed my words to cause him harm, instead of going to the Lord and getting my heart right first. I am reminded of the passage of scripture that says, “out of the same mouth proceed blessing and cursing...” (James 3:10) We allow blessing one minute to come from our lips and cursing the next when it comes to our husbands. It could be something simple as a jeer at his manhood, but still, it was not needed and I should have not said it. He is my husband, and he deserves the same respect I would give God. (for he is the head, just as Christ is the head) Would you say that to God? If not, then we should not say it to our husbands.
The same goes for my actions. Our body language can say more than our tongues can. We can give our husbands the cold shoulder and in our actions make him feel less than he is. The picture of the godly woman, the virtuous woman in Proverbs 31 shows us that she desires to do good to him all the days of her life. With her hands she works diligently to make a home for him and her children. She does whatever she has to do to make sure he is the success that God desires him to be. She comes alongside him, (without complaining!) and helps him to become all that God has for him. Not once in Proverbs 31 woman description do we see her complaining about his dirty socks.
When the Lord created Eve, He created her to be Adam’s help-meet. She was taken from Adam’s side, which is your rightful place next to your husband. We were created to come alongside our husbands and help them meet their greatest potential, laying down our desires and our dreams for the sake of his. I know some of you are probably saying that just doesn't seem fair, but, when we lay down our desires and our dreams, the Lord will replace them with something far greater than we could ever imagine. We need to make what is important to our husbands, important to us. You were created for him, what matters to him should matter to us. (A hard lesson I have had to learn)
The other thing I think is important for us as wives to understand is that our sufficiency and our worth do not come from our husbands. We can tear down our husbands so fast by putting upon them the expectations that only the Lord Jesus Christ can fulfill in us. We put so much pressure on our husbands to be Jesus for us, when there is no possible way that can ever happen. Our husbands are men of flesh, our true desire; our first desire must be in Christ. You do not need your husbands, all you need is Christ. But the desire to want your husband should be foremost in your marriage. Our need to be loved, to be romanced, to be filled can never be given to us by the men who snore beside us, they can give us a little of that, but that true need and desire can only be filled by Jesus Christ, your true Husband. (Isaiah 54:5) You want your husband, but you do not need him. When we realize that, when we begin to get our needs filled through the Lord Jesus Christ, then the burden is taken off our husbands and we have begun to replace the broken bricks of our marriages. He is then free to be who the Lord God is molding him to be.
I have allowed my tongue, my actions, and even my body language set the tone for my marriage. When others have tried to tear my husband down before me, I have allowed them to, and in some cases, even joined in. The only thing that should ever come out of our mouths in the presence of others regarding our husbands is the great and glorious work the Lord is doing in their hearts. When we begin to see the wisdom in building up our husbands and let go of the foolishness of tearing them down, then the Lord can begin to work in their hearts as well as ours.
You set the tone in your home, more than you realize. If your husband wants a hug, but he is smelly and dirty from the day, don’t freeze up and walk away- hug him. If he wants more intimacy in your marriage, then pray and ask the Lord to help you with that intimacy. True intimacy starts in your relationship with Jesus Christ, and will spill over into ever other area of your life and your home. If you are having issues in your marriage, if you know that your marriage is not where it should be, then begin by seeking the Lord Jesus Christ, your True Husband, and let Him show you the glory and the beauty that He can make out of your house.
We have been given a great calling, and that is to be wives. Some women out there would love to have someone to cuddle up to, to have someone else’s dirty socks to pick up, be thankful for what we have been given, and know that the Lord loves us too much to leave us in a house full of holes. May the Lord God reveal to your heart the areas in your home that need to be rebuilt, may His grace and His mercy begin anew to replace the bricks we have torn down, and give us wisdom to be the master-builders of our homes. In Jesus Name, Amen and Amen.