Most of us who read this little blog of mine are married. We have a husband and children, and a family to love and support us. I have been married for almost 18 years to a man who is totally opposite of me. (I am a glass half full, he is a glass half empty!) My husband and I have had our ups and downs, we were separated for a few years, but the Lord Jesus Christ found me, and He saved me and my family. He brought us back together and has been working in me and through me ever since. But lately, things haven’t been easy. I have found myself more and more upset with my husband. He doesn’t really do anything that bad, but to me, it feels like he is the worst person in the world. I have been wondering how on earth am I to live with this person? I once read a quote by a Christian woman of great faith in regards to her marriage. She stated, “I would never divorce my husband, but I have thought about killing him a few times.” I can so relate to her statement on so many levels!
Lately it seems like the more I am around my husband the more frustrated and upset I get. Everything he does or does not do seems too irate me to no end. No matter what he says or does, I get upset and I find myself going into a little shell. Closed up like a clam, not wanting to talk to him or be around him for very long. This is hard to do since he works from home and he is always around.
Today, as I was praying and talking to the Lord about my marriage and how it’s just not right lately, He showed me that there were many areas at which I am at fault. I have been so focused on the negative aspects of our marriage that I have allowed these negative thoughts to come through, driving a wedge between the two of us. I have allowed the paths of communication to break down, because I was upset. I have set the bar so high for my husband, that no matter what he does, he will never be able to attain to it. I want my husband to be Jesus.
Let’s be real, that is never going to happen. My husband is not Jesus, he is a man, born of flesh into this world of sin, and he is a sinner in need of a savior, just like me. I want my husband to be a man after God’s heart; I want him to be so on fire for Jesus that not even I can get in the way. I want my husband’s walk of faith to be just like mine. And that is why I am struggling so hard in our marriage. I want him to be just like me, I want him to have a heart for God just like I do. But, the Lord showed me today that is not ever going to happen.
I am not saying that my husband doesn’t have a heart for God, that he doesn’t seek to please God and that he doesn’t walk with God, but he can never have the same walk as me- because I am a woman, he is a man, we are not the same people. God created me for him, not him for me. I was created for a purpose and a reason; I was designed by God to be a wife, mother, sister, servant, friend, and many other things. I was given specific gifts to serve God and to glorify Him. So was my husband, just not the same as me. He was created to be a husband, father, brother, servant and he was given specific gifts- just not the same as me.
I see many women struggling in their marriages today, and we are all saying the same thing. I wish my husband would change. I want him to be more____________, you can fill in the blank. I have my own list of what I desire my husband to be- but what I realized today is that is not who God wants him to be, and who am I to dictate to my husband who I think he should be? Marriage is a one way street, travelling in the same direction, the same stop signs, stop lights, bumps and turns taken together. But each one of us is in our own lane. The moment I started trying to tell him who God wants him to be, or the moment I start trying to mold him into who I need, I have crossed the center line, slammed up against his vehicle and caused us both to crash. And in this case, the Lord will hold you accountable for the accident. We cause so many issues in our marriages and our relationships because we want them to be like us, to have the same desires, dreams and goals. But we need to be real- we are not all that and a box of crayons! We have faults, we have sins, we have lots and lots wrong with us- so why are we trying to duplicate it?
God has created us for them; He did not create them for us. I am his wife, and the mother to his children. I am his sister in Christ, and a servant of God. I am to serve my God, then my husband, then my children, then my brothers and sisters in the Lord. When we stick to this order, we will find the help and the grace we need to get through those times of great irritation caused by living with the same person day after day, after day, after day.
The other issue that the Lord brought to my attention was that I have a tendency to say, “When he changes, then I will change.” That is not how it works, ladies. Never has, never will. I have always told my children that if you want a situation to change, you have to be the one willing to change first. It is hard to do, but to make any relationship work and work well; you have to be willing to grow and to change. You may be the first one to change, you may be the only one to change, but in the end, that is all that matters. You will not stand before Jesus and give an account to Him on why your husband didn’t turn out the way you thought he would. No, you will stand before Jesus and give an account to Him for you- and you alone. Paul tells us that we are to work out our own salvation in fear and trembling. (Philippians 2:12) I am not to work on my husband’s walk- I am to work on my own.
I will have to give an account for me, not my husband, not even my children. I will have to stand before Jesus and give an account for the wife, mother, and servant I was- not who my husband was. We as women want the fairy tale; we want the man to take charge, to ride in and save the day. We want him to whisk us away on a white horse with romantic music playing all around us. But the reality is that we should be thankful that he remembers our birthday, that he takes it upon himself to wash his own dishes, and that for once he no longer leaves his dirty socks on the bathroom floor. These are the little victories that we need to claim, that we need to praise him for- that’s all he needs. Our husbands just need to know that we are for them and not against them, that we love them as they are, right where they are, and that we seek only to change ourselves, to serve and to be who God wants us to be. If we do this, I believe the Lord will show us great and mighty things through our marriages, and we will be much happier in the end.
For us as Christians, there is a happily ever after, there is a great Prince who will come and whisk us away with all the heavenly hosts singing praise to His name. But until that day we are to love, honor and obey the man God has created us for, dirty socks and all- and to be who God wants us to be for him. We have been given a man to be with us, to help us, to support us, to love us- to cherish us. Isn’t that really all we need? Instead of seeking the negative in my husband, I need to seek the positive and I need to encourage him in those areas- God will take care of the rest. We just need to stay in our own lanes. It’s not going to be easy, but with time and prayer and grace from God above I am positive, we will see change.