Standing at the kitchen sink, hands in the warm soapy water, scrubbing away the remnants of the morning. Is this what my life has become? Soapy water, and remnants of a day? Those are the thoughts that went through my mind, creeping up on me when I least expected it. But they came and they stayed. I found myself feeling claustrophobic, again. I began to feel caged; I wasn’t able to find a way out. Jane Austin, in her book, Mansfield Park, she writes about Fannie Price, sitting in the library reading a book. In walks the handsome, risky, rouge type Henry Crawford, who has been pursuing Ms. Price for a few weeks now. He sits down, takes the book from her and reads about a bird, caught, crying over and over again, “I can’t get out.” This is not the first time in my life I have felt this way; in fact, I have felt this way most my life.
|Me with my nephew (Iowa; age 16)|
I remember when I was a little girl; mind you, I was a handful- full of energy and couldn’t sit still if my life depended on it. I was a strong willed, head strong little girl who bullied people to get her way. I think I was like that because I do not like to feel caged. I do not like feeling that I am unable to go and live as I please. Note- I would not ever live my life without God. He is whom I please, He is whom I live for. I do not like giving up the control of my life into the hands of anyone except God. He is my Authority, and to Him alone do I answer.
When I was a little girl I used to sit in my room and dream about a life on my own; a life traveling around the country, maybe even the world one day, writing and painting and drawing. And I have always, always needed free and uninhibited access to the outdoors. Not just a yard and a porch, but the freedom to wake up early in the morning, decide to clean house another day and take off for a hike in the mountains.
My mom and dad thought I was trying to run away all the time, but I was just trying to get away; outdoors, by myself; I was going to come back- I had to eat, I was just a kid.(As a mom now, I get what my mom was saying- I would have been upset too had my kid done that to me! I digress)
I think deep down, when we really take a good look at ourselves, we realize that our whole lives we have been chasing those childhood dreams- we just keep taking the wrong path to get there. I am beginning to think that those childhood dreams we had, were really God the Father, showing us the way we were to go. But as children, as teenagers, living in a world without God, we get caught up in sin, because we do not have God in our lives. I was in church my whole life. I went to a Methodist church when I was a little girl; then my mom converted us all to Catholicism when I was about 11 or 12. I did it all, but I had no clue who Jesus was and what He did for me. I had no clue that I was predestined to be born in Him. I had no clue that God had this purpose and plan for my life. But at the right time, at the right moment, God revealed His Son to me and that sinful, headstrong little girl started grow up.
But deep down inside me, that little girl was still there. This time, however, I was washed and cleansed by the blood of Jesus Christ. I began to learn about His freedom, His life and His plan for me. It brought up the little girl and the dream I used to have. The older my children got the more desire I had to chase that dream once again. I didn’t always go about it the right way, and I made a lot of mistakes and I hurt a lot of people along the way; but I have learned, and I keep learning. For those I have hurt; forgive me, God is truly working in me to be a better human for Him. But, remember, I am still human.
|Me and my baby girl (NC- 2018)|
I don’t know why I ended back up in a place I had determined not to be- but I did. I am reminded of Paul in Romans 7 when he wrote, (I am paraphrasing- please go read it!) “The things I don’t want to do, that I do; and the things I do want to do; I don’t do them!” That’s me in a nutshell! But I have learned that no matter what I do or don’t do according to man, doesn’t mean God views it for me the same way. Personal conviction is how Noah survived, Abraham obeyed and David conquered. Personal faith in God and what you believe He has shown you is the only way you will ever achieve the crown that is waiting for you at the end of this race. You will, for the rest of your life, have to go against every man, woman and child you know and love to stand upon the conviction of truth that God has spoken for your life.
That is why I put the dishes down, wiped off my hands and walked out into the great outdoors. I do not know where this path will lead, or where it will end up. All I know is that I must believe that God has shown it to me; therefore He will guide me, provide for me, and hover over me each step of the way. He will not let His little girl go. So off to chase my dreams I go.